Love and Loathing in Las Vegas
by Wandering Baggins
Summary: Doug's adoptive sister has always been one of the guys. Fresh out of college, Tracy makes her chaperone Alan on the infamous night in vegas A night that can't be remember and a love that was almost forgot. until now. what will the next 2 days hold? PhilOC
1. Vegas Baby!

Chapter one: Vegas Baby!

_You've reached Doug. Sorry I missed your call. Please leave a name and number and I'll get back to you._

_Hi, you've reached Dr. Stuart Price with Divine Dentistry. Please leave a message after..._

_Hey, this is Phil. Leave me a message or don 't._

_Do me a favor, don 't text me. It's gay._

_Hey you've reached Sophie Billings. im in vegas with my bro' for the weekend so in case i wind up dead tell the cops it was Phil Wenneck. Haha im foolin', leave me a message and i will call you back. thanks and have a grateful day..._

"_Tracy, it's Phil." Sophie buried her head in her hands as she heard Phil reach Tracy._

"_Tracy is going to put me in the ground." she mumbled. Alan put a hand on her shoulder. _

"_Ah, Soph! Don't say that! Tracy wouldn't bury you alive she'd probably just scold you." Sophie glared at Alan._

"_Alan you ever touch me again and i will rip your fucking beard off and shove it up your ass." He jumped back and glared at her._

"_You're language is worse than Stu's!" Stu groaned._

"_Shut-up Alan!" Sophie reburied her head as black-doug went to piss._

"_Do you mind?" he looked over his shoulder at her_

"_What? you've seen a dick before"_

"_Yeah but I dont wanna see yours shit-dick this is all your damn fault!"_

"_Language Soph!" Alan tapped her leg_

"_Fuck You Alan!" she pushed him back forcefully as Stu grabbed her shoulders. Phil covered the phone and whispered angrily at them._

"_Yeah Listen...Shut the hell up! Uh...We fucked up..._

_The bachelor party,the whole night. It...Things got out of control, uh...and we lost Doug..._

_...We can't find Doug..._

_...Yeah..._

_...That's not gonna happen." Sophie cried silently. Where the fuck was her brother?_

* * *

><p><em><strong>A few days earlier<strong>_

Sophie Billings stared at the wall of amazingly elegant dresses. She stuck out like a sore thumb in the LA Sung Boutique next to her future sister-in-law. Tracy Looked like a classy woman wearing a black pencil skirt and a sleeveless cremé-colored blouse. Her hair was nestled in a cute bun. Sophie on the other hand wore a Penn State hat over her long brown hair. She wore a pink and white striped shirt under a pink half jacket that exposed her toned stomach and belly ring. Her baggy black jeans were held up on her slender waist by a belt stolen from her best friend Phil over 10 years before. She gave Tracy a wary looka s she met the odd stares from LA women in the Boutique.

"Tracy you should have told me you were taking me here! I look like a hooker to these women probably. I should leave. you can pick out the dress for me! I have bad taste anyways..." Tracy smiled and waved her off as she grabbed 2 dresses off the wall.

"Oh Soph can-it. I need you here to try on the dress! And You're leaving with Doug and the guys in a few hours, nows a better time than ever." Sophie rolled her eyes at that.

"Yeah vegas with phil. great!" she mumbled. Tracy smiled

"Thank you so much for doing this. I trust Doug not to do anything stupid, but the guys don't really like Alan so its great you'll keep an eye on him." Sophie forced a smile.

"Sure Trac'! what are sisters for!" Tracy handed her the three dresses.

"now go try these on!" Sophie surveyed them.

the first was a bright sexy red cocktai dress with a draped back and an asymmetrical neckline detailed with sparkling rhinestone pin. The dress was ruched and sure to make her ass look divine. The second was a strapless jade color taffeta cocktail dress with sequins and beads on the neckline and the bodice. It was pleated with a lace-up back. The bottom skirt was soft with gathered tiers that just reached her mid thigh.

"AH! Those are absolutely divine! You look like a woman for once! We are buying both!" Sophie changed and they rang up the dresses.

"Tracy are you sure? with the wedding and all...they're like 216$..."

"Hun dont worry about it! think of it as our gift to you for graduating college!" Sohie Smiled

"Thank You tracy"

* * *

><p>Tracy and Sophia pulled into the driveway next to alan making out with the family dog. Sid and Doug were in the garage. Alan immediately stopped and stood when he saw Sophie.<p>

"S-sophie! you look ravishing in this light! Is that a new hat? it looks great!" She grabbed her bag and two dresses out of the back of the car.

"Um...thanks alan. You excited for vegas?"

"Oh am I ever! You are so sweet! I'm really glad you will be coming and staying with us!" She gave an awkward nod as he hugged her. it was clear alan was in love with her. As soon as Tracy kissed doug and headed inside she made her move.

"Doug!" Sophie shouted and darted towards him. He embraced her and held her under his arm. Sid nodded to her.

"Ah, Sophie hows my little Penn State Grad!" She giggled as Doug took her hat and ruffled her hair.

"Ah! Im great Sid! Ready to celebrate in Vegas! Whats going on you two why are we looking at Sid's awesome car?" Doug grinned wide.

"Sid is letting us borrow it for the weekend!" Sophie did a double take.

"But Sid, you love this car!" She exlaimed. Doug chuckled.

"You too are alike! I just got done telling doug Soph, Its just a car. But Doug, Just make sure to put some Armor All on the tires so the sand doesn't seep in."

"Absolutely. That's easy." Doug nodded.

"Oh, and, uh, don't let Alan drive...because there's something wrong with him." They all looked out at Alan and the dog. Sophie tried to contain her laugh.

"Understood." Doug was in awe of the car.

"Oh, and Phil either. I don't like him." Sophie rolled her eyes at his name.

"I will be the only one driving this car. I promise." Sophie punched him.

"Hey! What about me!" Sid smiled warmly and shook his head no.

"Sophie you crashed three cars in the last thee summers you've been home!"

"Um, do you remember that you and the boys were with me all 3 times. All 3 crashes were Phil's fault anyway." Sid chuckled.

"And thats why i dont want phil to drive. Or you soph. Sorry sweetie." He through Doug the Keys.

"Remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas..." Sophie laughed as she remembered her PSU slogan "What happens at State stays at State"

"Ah!-" Doug awkwardly laughed.

"Except for herpes. That shit'll come back with you." Sophie grunted a small laugh

as she through her stuff in the car and got in the back seat.

"Wow..." she inserted her headphones and waited for them to leave.

* * *

><p>Alan spent the ride to pick up phil trying to sing along to the radio. He had just about every lyric wrong. Sophie tuned him out with Dispatch on her Ipod. when they pulled up to the school whe removed one earbud as the school bells rang.<p>

"Do you have to park so close?" Alan said covering his face. Doug looked at him.

"Yeah. What's wrong?"

"I shouldn't be here." Sophie knitted her eyebrows.

"Why is that, Alan?" Doug looked around the area not really paying attention.

"I'm not supposed to be within 200 feet of a school." Sophie lowered her sunglasses and looked at him

"What?" her and Doug said at the same time

"...Or a Chuck E. Cheese." Sophie looked at him then at doug who just waved it off.

"Da fuck? Alan why-"

"...I don't know you. You do not exist." Came Phil's voice down the stairs of the school. Sophie scooted far over behind Doug and moaned.

"Here we go." she mumbled.

"Shit!" He stopped and looked at the car. He then noticed Sophie in the back seat. His smile turned into a smirk.

"Nice car! I'm driving." He threw his bag in the back next to Sophie.

"Whoa, no chance,buddy... Don't step...!God! Watch the leath...!" Before Doug could even finish a sentence he jumped into the car and wrapped his arm around Sophie.

"Shut up and drive before these nerds ask me another question! Oh hey Soph! I didnt know you still fit in your little leage uniform! looks good." He rubbed a hand across her stomach. She Slapped it away

"Animal." Doug had mumbled at him. Phil then turned his attention to Alan.

"Who's this?" Alan looked at him in disbelief and hurt.

'It's Alan. Tracy's brother." Alan looked away from him.

"I met you, like, four times." Sophie rolled her eyes.

"Oh, yeah. How you doing, man?" Sophie scoffed

"Jackass..." Phil looked to her

"Oh, what? Are you on your period? 'Cause that will make our time together real shitty." Sophie glared at him as Doug grimaced.

"It you must know, I'm not." Phil leaned into her

"Oh, so we can have some fun now huh?" Doug gagged

"Can we not talk about you guys possibly having fun on this trip? Sophie removed Phil's arm from around her with disgust.

"Trust me...Phil and I fucking is definitely not a possibility. I don't care how fucked up I am." Alan chuckled.

"Oh come on Soph, dont act like you havent missed me." She gave a sarcastic laugh.

"Oh is this how a recently divorced man acts? God you are worse than the horndogs at state. oh and baby, trust me, it aint an act!" Doug cleared his throat.

"Enough you two!"

* * *

><p>After a short drive the pulled up infront of Stu's place.<p>

"He Soph! Go ring the door and see if Melissa still hates you!" Phil nudged her with his elbow.

"Um, im pretty sure she still does after I punched her at our cousin's wedding." Doug laughed.

"Ah, that was a great night." Sophie laughed too as she thought of the night she decked melissa for fucking a bartender behind stu's back.

"just go get him Phil." Doug asked. Phil mummbled an alright and sat up in the car cupping his hands over his mouth. Sophie raised an eyebrow

"Phil what are you-" before she could finish he yelled

"PAGING DOCTOR FAGGOT!" They all busted up laughing as he called again

"DOCTOR FAGGOTTT!" Sophie sat up and called in too

"COME ON STU LEAVE THE BITCH AN LEGGO!" Melissa instantly whipped open the front door.

"DON'T CALL ME A BITCH YOU LITTLE WHORE!" Phil and the guys busted up laughing as Stu just stood behind Melissa a look of defeat on his face.

"OH FUCK YOU SKANK HEY WHILE STU'S GONE YOU CAN GET DRUNK AND FUCK YOUR POOL GUY...HE CAN USE THE STICK HE REMOVES FROM YOUR ASS TO CLEAN THE POOL!" They all cracked up as Stu awkwardly kissed her cheek and sidestepped the fuming Melissa.

"JUST SPEND THE TRIP FUCKING PHIL LIKE A GOOD LITTLE WHORE!" Melissa yelled as she slammed her front door. Phil laughed as Sophie scowled and punched him hard. Stu got in next to her and pouted.

"Sophie totally not cool. this is out neighborhood you cant just yell that. And can you respect the fact that i love her and you are my best friend?" Sophie hesitated then howled with laughter.

"ah dickie, i dont respect you. or her. But you are my friend so i'll try not to fight her at Doug's wedding." She loved calling him her childhood name for him. Phil was the only one that had a name for her on account of the fact that she was adopted and a quarter mexican he always called her beaner. Sophie had always called Stu dickie cause he always wore dickies as a kid. Phil was spanky on account of his horny nature and doug was squirt, the shortest of the bunch.

* * *

><p>They were finally on the road to vegas in no time. Alan got up and shouted road trip! down the road way like a little kid. they all just laughed at him as he noticed a car pull up next to them with a little girl who had her window down.<p>

"Vegas! Vegas, baby! Vegas! Get 'er done!" The little girl flicked alan off and sat forward. Sophie laughed out loud

"Alan got chumped by a lil' girl ah!" He tried to hide the fact that he was hurt by it and sat forward.

Phil handed Sophie and Stu beers as he continued to pressure doug.

"Come on, just till Barstow. Everybody's passing us!"

"Absolutely not. I promised Sid. I will be the only one driving this car. Besides, you're drinking." Sophie took a swig of beer and laughed. she knew where this was going.

"Oh, what are you, a cop now? You know I drive great when I'm drunk." Stu spoke up.

"True. Don't forget, Phil was always our designated drunk driver." Sophie shook her head.

"Yeah when you guys weren't helping me total my car in the summers!" Doug chuckled.

"Yeah. You wanna explain it to them, Alan?" Alan looked back at them.

"Guys, my dad loves this car more than he loves me, so, yeah."

"Aw, whatever. I left my wife and kid at home so I could go with you guys. You know how difficult that was?" Sophie turned to completely look at him a smirk playing at her lips.

"Wife? Phil you guys are like the fucking battle of the roses right now for that damn house. next thing i know we'll find you two dead in the shattered chandelier and the house destroyed."

"That's really sweet." Alan had completely missed what sophie said.

"Yeah." Doug Scoffed.

"Dude, I was being sarcastic. I fucking hate my life. I may never go back. I might stay in Vegas."

"Oh what? marry a whore and live happily ever after? didnt work so great the first time. Ha! and i doubt you'd give up the house that easy."

"Here we go." Doug Groaned.

"Doug, enjoy yourself, because come Sunday...you're gonna start dying just a little bit every day." Sophie shook her head and tuned out the convo with her music. She laid again stu and closed her eyes.

"Yeah. hehe That's why I've managed to stay single this whole time, you know?" Stu took a jab at him.

"Oh, really? That's why you're single?" He held back his laugh as he finaly had someone in a joke

"Yeah!" Alan smiled.

"Cool. Good to know." He said sarcastically. Phil chuckled.

"Am I all right over there, Alan?" Doug tried to see the lane in his mirror.

"Yeah, you're good." Alan said without even a glance. As Doug tried to switch lanes a truck pulled up and honked at them. they swerved to avoid crashing and almost hit another car. Sophie's body was swung since there was no middle seatbelt. Phil wrapped his arm around her to avoid her getting hurt as everyone yeled profanities.

"AW, JESUS CHRIST!" Doug gasped.

"OH, MY GOD!" stu yelled as Phil laughed and Sophie screamed a loud

"FUCK YOU ALAN!" Alan was cracking up

"That was awesome!"

"That was not awesome. What's wrong with you?" Doug was screaming now

"That was insane. We almost just died." Stu yelled at Alan.

"You should have seen your face! Classic!" Alan continued to laugh

"That's funny." Phil said laughing as Sophie smiled and calmed down

"Yeah it kinda was." Doug shook his head

"It's not funny."

* * *

><p>The crew had stopped at a gas station after a few more miles to grab snacks. Phil ate some chips out of an unpurchased bag as he watched Alan berate an old man outside. Sophie came up next to him with a oreo cakester box, one already in her mouth.<p>

"He's actually kind of funny." Sophie nodded as she finished her cakester. Phil looked down at her.

"God, you are such a little girl sometimes." she glared at him

"Yeah, he means well." Doug looked out at him as Alan yelled at the old man.

"I'll hit an old man in public."

"Is he all there? Like, mentally?" Phil stole one of Sophie's cakesters as she playfully punched him.

"I think so. He's just an odd guy. You know, he's kind of weird." Sophie shrugged.

"He's pretty socially awkward doug."

"I mean, should we be worried?" Phil looked to Doug.

"No." Doug shook his head

"All right." He ate another chip

"No...Tracy did mention that we shouldn't let him gamble. Or drink too much."

"Thats why im here on this fun little trip" Sophie said sarcastically.

"Jesus, he's like a gremlin. Comes with instructions and shit." they placed their goods infront of the checkout lady as Stu came up behind them.

"And one water." Sophie looked to him as Doug asked about Melissa

"All good with Melissa?" Sophie faked a gag as Phil laughed

"Oh, her we're two hours outside of wine country, and she bought it."

"You think it's strange you've been in a relationship for years...and you have to lie about Vegas?" Sophie spoke up

"Yeah thats true. woman's got you by the balls stu."

"Yeah, I do think its strange, shut up soph, But trust me, it's not worth the fight."

"Oh, so you can't go to Vegas...but she can fuck a bellhop on a Carnival Cruise Line?" Sophie burst out laughing.

"Hey! Okay, first of all, he was a bartender. And she was wasted. And, if you must know he didn't even come inside her." Sophie rolled her eyes

"And you believe that?" Phil asked in disbelief.

"Uh, yeah, I do believe that, because she's grossed out by semen."

"Oh please if the dick is in play inside the kooka she fucked him. stop kiddin yourself champ." She slapped his cheek, grabbed her cakesters and walked out.

"That'll be 32.50." the lady cut in. she seemed grossed out and uncomfortable.

"It's 32.50, you gonna pay for it?" Phil asked Stu.

* * *

><p>Back on the road, Sophie leaned up against Phil. eve though he was an ass they all were still friends. Alan was nose deep in a "the world's greatest black jack book".<p>

"It says here we should work in teams. Who wants to be my spotter?" Sophie sat her head up and looked at him.

"I don't think you should be doing too much gambling tonight, Alan."

"Gambling? My dear Sophie, Who said anything about gambling? It's not gambling when you know you're gonna win. Counting cards is a foolproof system." She shuddered as phil shook his head.

"It's also illegal." Stu added.

"It's not illegal, it's frowned upon, like masturbating on an airplane." Doug was the only one that laughed, thinking he wasn't serious.

"I'm pretty sure that's illegal too." Phil said as he put his arm around Sophie.

"Yeah, maybe after 9/11, where everybody got so sensitive. Thanks a lot, Bin Laden."

"You are so effing inappropriate! Like do you not have a filter?" Sophie scowled and everyone else was put off by Alan. Before Alan could say anything and cause Sophie to get more pissed, Doug spoke up.

"Either way, you gotta be super smart to count cards, buddy, okay?"

"Oh, really?" Alan was getting offended.

"It's not easy you dink." Sophie said. Alan turned to look at her.

"Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man...because he practically bankrupted

a casino, and he was a reh-tard." He tilted his glasses down to look at her as he spoke then whiped around in his chair

"What?" Stu Asked annoyed.

"He was a reh-tard." Alan repeated.

"Ree-tard." Doug corrected him. Sophie turned up her headphones to Can't tell me nothing by Kanye as they approached Vegas.

**So what do you guys think! Pics of Sophie and the dresses are on my page! more to come please review! **


	2. The WolfPack

Chapter 2: The Wolf-Pack.

Doug Pulled the car into Caesar's Palace and started to unload the stuff. Several woman were giving Sophie looks as she helped the four guys. Two walked by whispering.

"lleve la buena mirada, putas!" She said as she walked by. The women scowled and walked away quickly. Phil looked back at them as they went.

"Here we go." He stared at their asses as the giggled and shot Sophie a look. She stopped and glared at Phil

"What? I'm allowed to look!" They walked up to the hotel reception desk. Alan flipped his hair, which gained a look from Sophie. She shook her head and leaned against the counter next to Stu and Phil.

"Hi, welcome to Caesars. Checking in?"

"Yeah. We have a reservation under Dr. Price." She began Typing.

"Okay, let me look that up for you." Phil took a moment then turned to Stu.

"Dr. Price?" Sophie chuckled as Doug looked at the woman with a "here we go" face.

"Stu, you're a dentist, okay? Don't try and get fancy."

"It's not fancy if it's true." Sophie scoffed.

"Its not true if you've had as much medical training as we had in Mrs. Nash's 11th grade health class." They all tried to hide their laughter. Stu gave her a "Really?" look and turned back around

"He's a dentist-" Phil clarified

"Yeah don't get too excited." Sophie added. The woman gave a play-along smile

"And if, uh, someone has a heart attack, you should still call 911." Phil told her

"We'll be sure to do that." She said with a flirtatious smile. Alan whipped out a beeper and checked it.

"Can I ask you a question? Do you know if the hotel's pager-friendly?" Sophie and Stu looked at each other in confusion

"What do you mean?" The receptionist asked him

"I'm not getting a sig on my beeper." The rest turned towards him to see if he was really being serious.

"I'm not sure." She said to humor him. She seemed like she really didn't care

"Is there a payphone bank? Bunch of payphones? Business." He wiggled the beeper trying to be cool.

"Um, there's a phone in your room." she said awkwardly. Alan nodded

"That'll work." The gang turned back to the woman.

"So I have you in a two-bedroom suite on the 12th floor, is that okay?"

"It sounds perfect." doug said with a smile. Phil leaned closer to her.

"Actually, I was wondering if you had any villas." He gave a flirty grin. Doug gave a wary look and shook his head

"Phil, we're not even gonna be in the room." Stu said. Sophie didnt really speak up. a villa would have been nice, especially since she wasnt paying.

"It's unnecessary." Doug added

"No big deal. We can share beds. It's one night." Alan nodded.

"If we're share beds, I'm bunking with Phil. You good with that?" He asked nonchalantly

"No, I'm not. Guys, we are not sharing beds. What are we, 12 years old? If any one is sharing a bed its me and sophie." He moved to put his arm around her but she slapped him away. Doug shook his head and laughed as Stu simple rolled his eyes. Phil regained himself.

"Lisa, I apologize. How much is the villa?" She checked her computer.

"Well, we have one villa available, and it's 4200 for the night."

"Is it awesome?" Alan asked with his head awkwardly tilted back.

"It's pretty awesome." She assured him.

"We'll take it. Give her your credit card." Phil nudged Stu

"I can't give her my credit card." Doug started to reach for his wallet.

"We'll split it." Phil looked at Doug like he was nuts.

"Are you crazy? No, this is on us." Stu didnt seem too happy he shook his head.

"You don't get it. Melissa checks my statements."

"Bitch" Sophie mumbled

"You are so hateful shut-up" Sophie shrugged.

"Well she is!" Lisa tried to help

"We just need a credit card on file. We won't charge you until check out, so you can figure it out then."

"That's perfect. Thank you, Lisa. We'll deal with it tomorrow. Come on." Phil waved for stu to fish out his credit card.

"Can I ask you another question?" alan said staring at her intently.

"Sure." Her sarcastic tone was like she couldn't wait to hear this one.

"You probably get this a lot. This isn't the real Caesars Palace, is it?"

"What do you mean?" The rest all turned to him.

"Did, uh...Did Caesar live here?" he shifted his gaze from phil and the rest to her.

"Um, no." She said confused.

"I didn't think so." He said looking around. Sophie rolled her eyes as she walked away from the desk as the rest looked away embarrassed. Stu got the key card and they went up to the villa.

"Holy shit!" Stu had entered first and was like a kid on christmas

" Damn!" Sophie said entering behind Stu. They all looked in amazement at the villa

"Now, this is Vegas! Phil said walking up to the window. Doug continued to stare in awe as he headed around a pillar

"Oh, my... This place is enormous. Is this all one suite? Thank you, guys. Or should I say, "Thank you, Stu"?" He looked to Stu

"You're welcome. It's only because I love you." Stu said Sternly. Sophie was over by the bar with alan as he looked at a jar of nuts.

"Okay, ladies, pick a room, get dressed. Let's be ready in 30 minutes." Phil Said arms outstretched at the window.

"Soph, you still wanna bunk together." She scoffed and went to one of the two rooms on the right.

"Guess thats a no..." He smiled and went to the room next to her.

Sophie showered and did her hair and make up. she looked so different already sitting in a towel. She had mastered the smokey eye effect thanks to Tracy and put a little white shimmer above her lid. With a little red to her cheeks and light pink gloss she looks so feminine. She teased her hair and flipped it to the side. She couldn't believe she was looking at herself. Standing up she went over the the bed where she had the dresses laid out. Deciding on red she slipped it on over a red lace bra and cheekies. Just as she was strapping on her heels someone banged on her door.

"Come on princess lets go!" It was phil. She groaned and flung the door open.

"What! im ready!" Phil was taken aback, and so was she. He looked her up and down.

"Wow you haven't looked this sexy since your prom in '07." She rolled her eyes. She couldn't help though, to look Phil up and down. He wore a sexy black J. Lindeberg suit with a silk black shirt underneath.

"C-come on lets get the others." She said walking past him. He watched her leave as he stared at her ass.

"Stop staring at my ass phil!" She said without turning around. he chuckled and followed her to doug's room. Doug was already stepping out in an armani suit and white shirt. Without even knocking phil busted in Stu's room as he was talking to melissa. Stu was in his underwear, which didnt phase Sophie. he was 5 years older than her yet when she was 17 they had a raging party in college and she saw a little more of phil and stu than intended. Phil and Doug were only 3 years older than her So she really felt like the baby of the group growing up. They all plopped down and waited for Stu to get off the phone. Sophie sat on the armrest of Doug' s Chair as Phil got comfortable on the bed

"What else? Um...We met the, uh, proprietor.

Oh, I bet you...

...What's his name? Um, Caesar. Palacè...

...Yeah, like the salad..." Phil signaled to his watch as Sophie let out a sigh.

"Okay. Well, listen, I gotta go, because we're gonna hit this wine tasting...Wait, wait. I love you. Okay. Bye." Phil scowled.

"I'm not even gonna say anything, it's so embarrassing." Sophie wretched again. Stu just ignored them.

"Where's Alan?" He put on his watch

"He, uh, he went downstairs. He said he had to grab a few things."

"Good, because I have something to show you." Sophie turned away in disgust as Stu did a weird flex dance.

"God im not even drunk yet and i wanna hurl." Stu ignored her and grabbed a little box.

"Uh-Oh!" Doug said excitedly. Phil Stared at it with his mouth hung open. Stu opened it to show the ring inside.

"What the hell is that?" Doug took it as Sophie stood up and looked at ot over his shoulder

"What do you think?" Stu was still excited as doug inspected the ring.

"If it's what I think it is, I think it's a big fucking mistake." Phil said upset.

"What the fuck?" Sophie took the ring from Doug.

"I'm gonna propose to Melissa at your wedding. After the ceremony." Sophie gave the ring back to doug as she sat back down Phil through the remote in defeat.

"Stuey, congratulations!" Doug was the only one happy

"Thank you, Doug." Sophie shook her head and roller her eyes again.

"That's a beautiful ring." He pulled his pants on.

"Yeah. It's my grandmother's. She made it all the way through the Holocaust with that thing. Its Legit!"

"I don't get it. Wait, have you not listened to anything I have ever said?" Phil yelled

"Um no phil no one ever listens to you. most of the what you say is bullshit." Sophie piped in.

"Um, fuck you. and Stu seriously?"

"Phil, we've been dating for three years. It's time. This is how it works." He defended.

"A, that is bullshit. And B, she is a complete bitch." Phil shot back. Sophie scracted her head.

"The bitch doesn't deserve that ring i mean honestly stu?"

"Hey, that's his fiancée." Doug scolded Phil stood up.

"What? It's true. It's true. You know it's true. She beats him." Stu continued to get dressed.

"That was twice, and I was out of line. She's strong-willed. And I respect that." Phil looked at him in disbelief.

"Wow. Wow. He's in denial. Not to mention, she fucked a sailor." Doug shot him a look

"Hey, he wasn't a sailor. He was a bartender on a cruise ship. You know that." Sophie crossed her arms.

"That doesn't make her any less a whore bro, if anything it makes her a cheap ass ho. You are such a little pussy stu! she is a total bitch." Stu gave a hurt look.

"Guys, I'm standing right here. So I can hear everything that you're saying. And why are you so damn hateful towards her Sophie? You're one of my best friends and you insult the woman i love constantly, you even beat the shit out of her! Why are you so nasty" Phil put a hand on sophie's shoulder.

"Stu, its because she's your friend that she does it." Sophie glared at him.

"Yeah just remember who the fuck found out she cheated on you. Me! Thats why i kicked her ass. thats why i insult her, cause she treats you like shit but you choose not to listen to your best friend. I mena, i would appreciate it if a guy was cheating on me or treating me like shit, ONE of you would kick his ass!" Doug thought a second.

"Didn't Phil do that to your college boyfriend?" Sophie and Phil looked at eachother.

"Um, yeah i did doug." Stu finished changing. Doug knitted his eyebrows

"Come to think of it...What the hell did he do? All i remember is you two coming in our dorm and Sophie climbing in bed with you... then the next day Blake was in the hospital." Sophie's eyes got wide.

"You were there that night doug? I thought you spent the night with lindsey your old girlfriend" Doug smiled and shook his head.

"Nope! there the whole night. and might i add its kinda creepy to hear my sister make out with my best friend..." Stu double taked

"You two hooked up in college? why didn't i know about this?"

"Cause you graduated and we didnt even know doug knew." Sophie said head hung low.

"Oh thats what phil meant by getting together again!" Stu said smiling.

"Where the fuck is alan!" Sophie said finally too uncomfortable with the conversation. Phil stepped back from her.

"Hey, guys. You ready to let the dogs out?" Alan said standing on the doorway.

"What?" Phil and Sophie said

"Do what?" Stu leaned closer as if he didn't hear right.

"Let the dogs out. You know. Whoo let the dogs out who? who?" Alan did a little foot shuffle. Phil looked at doug and stu.

"Who brought this guy?" Sophie laughed and walked towards Alan.

"Yes, Alan, we are ready to let the dogs out." Doug said as they left the villa. They stopped at an elevator as alan flipped his hair. Phil looked at the plastic bag hanging from his wrist and the bown purse on his shoulder.

"You're not really wearing that, are you?" They all looked to Alan.

"Wearing what?" he asked genuinely confused

"The man-purse. You're actually gonna wear that or are you guys fucking with me?" Phil asked laughing.

"It's where I keep all my things. I get a lot of compliments on this." Sophie raised an eyebrow

"What things Alan? Im a fucking chick and i dont even carry a woman's purse! why the hell would you need a man-purse?"

" Skittles. Plus, it's not a man-purse. It's called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one." He flipped his hair again.

"So does Joy Behar." Phil shit back as the doors opened to a creepy guy giving a chick head.

"We're going up, guys." Sophie tried to hide her laughter.

"Yeah, that's perfect." Phil said as he clicked the button for the roof. Doug looked at the floor number.

"We're going up?" The doors closed and they silently rode the elevator up. The reached the roof access and followed phil to a door that said employees only.

"I'm just saying, it's clearly marked, okay?" Stu told him as the entered the roof area.

"We are definitely not supposed to be up here..." Sophie said looking around.

"Come on, we're paying for a villa. We can do whatever the fuck we want." Phil grabbed a hold of the ladder infront of him and helped sophie up.

"I got it!" He pulled his hands back

"Ight, Ight. Stu, just wedge the door open." he followed sophie up

"How the hell did you find this place?" DOug asked as he reached the top of the ladder.

"Don't worry about it." Phil said walking towards the far end.

"Oh! Look at the view up here!" Doug exclaimed as he took in the strip.

"You happy?" Phil asked with a smile. Sophie walked towards the ledge and looked down.

"Wow,this is great phil!" She smiled as him. Stu made his way over.

"Whoa! Are you kidding?" He looked around in awe. Phil looked over to alan taking out five shots glasses

"Alan, how we doing, buddy?"

"Good." he shielded what he was doing from the group. no one caught it.

"What do you got over there, Alan?" Doug asked as he came towards them with the liquor.

"That's the Eiffel Tower." Stu said pointing. Sophie pushed him playfully and laughed.

"Right? It is!" phil laughed at him. Doug grinned at Alan

"Uh-oh! A little Jägermeister. Good idea. On the roof." Sophie took her glass and laughed.

"You are so dorky!" Phil chucked as he poured the drinks.

"Um, no, this is good. I'd like to make a Doug and Tracy. May tonight be...but a minor speed bump...in an otherwise very long and healthy marriage." Stu said

"Cheers." They clinked glasses and swung back the shots

"Oh, it's like college!" Sophie purred in spanish. Phil took a moment then raised his glass a bit

"All right. I wanna talk about something-" But Alan cut him off

"I want to...I'd like to...I'd like to say something...that I prepared...tonight." They took a second and thought about it.

"Um...All right, Alan." they watched him take out a folded piece of paper.

"Hello. How about that ride in? I guess that's why they call it Sin City. _hehe_ You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack. But when my sister brought Doug home, I knew he was one of my own. Then I met Sophie, and I knew we'd be best friends forever. and my wolf pack, it grew by Two. Doug, one of my very own, and Sophie, the beautiful Spanish wolf-ette. So were there three... So there were three of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack, and then Doug and Sophie joined in later. And six months ago...when Doug introduced me to you guys, I thought: 'Wait a second. Could it be?' And now, I know for sure. I just added two more guys to my wolf pack."

He stopped and the all nodded. his speech seemed nice enough.

"Four of us wolves and one bitch...running around the desert together

in Las Vegas...Iooking for strippers and cocaine."

"Did he just call me a bitch?" Sophie murmured to Doug

"Its a female wolf let him go he's on a roll" he whispered.

"So tonight...I make a toast!" He pulled out a knife" They were taken aback

"...?" Sophie and Stu said immediately

"What do you got there?" Doug could barely get in before Alan sliced his hand

"Holy Fuck!" Sophie yelled pulling away from Alan

"Dude, what the fuck?" Phil said reaching out to push Sophie back

"What the hell are you doing?" Doug came closer to him

"What is that?" Stu asked as Alan moaned.

"Blood brothers...and sister" he turned to Sophie

"What the actual Fuck Alan!"

"Don't... Why did you...? Damn it. Alan...!" they all could barely get a sentence out.

"Here." he offered Stu the knife.

"No. No, I'm not doing that." Alan gasped for a bit of air.

"Go ahead, Stuart." Stu turned to doug.

"Make him stop." Alan turned to sophie

"Sophie? Blood sister?" She grimaced.

"Fuck No! Doug! take that from him." Doug came carefully towards him.

"Alan, we're not gonna cut ourselves. Give me the knife. Slowly. Thank you. Okay. Thank you very much." Phil came over to him as Alan sucked on the wound.

"You all right? Are you okay? Do you need a doctor?" Alan gave a muffled "mmhmm" noise

"He's good." Doug answered.

"You sure?" Sophie asked still backed up with stu

"I'm good." Alan said between sucks. Phil started his toast again.

"Perfect. Alan, come here, buddy." he put an arm around alan

"Get in here, crazy." Stu said coming closer. Sophie hugged Doug.

"All right, to a night the five of us will never forget." They all toasted again and swung back another Shot. Sophie felt funny as they left the roof. the rest faded into blackness.


	3. Thats what u get for waking up in Vegas

**a/n: special thanks to monpetiteange13 and RainbowShelby. You guys gave me a nice review and made me wanna continue. **

**I own nothing except the Awesome Sophie Riviera-Billings who can be a total bitch but still real effing cool **

**Photos of sophie's new look should be up...and also the ring with actual price :) Can't wait till Phil finds that out :D. anyways **

**Enjoy 3 **

* * *

><p>Chapter 3: thats what you get for waking up in vegas.<p>

"Ah Fuck." Sophie's exyes fluttered open to the back of someone's head. She felt the weight of someone on top of her as her vision cleared. She had been woken up by the sound of cups and cans falling along with a body. She got a glimpse of Alan walking by. It took a second for her to realize that the person on top of her was phil. His head was turned towards the bathroom and he was shirtless. Sophie's hand slowly felt down under the blanket to see if the rest of him was clothed. She felt his pants and underwear from the back still on but pulled down a bit. She finally began to get a sense of her whole body. Phil was in between her legs and under the pain she felt in her whole body, she felt it. Phil had fallen asleep...inside her. She groaned.

"Phil. Phil wake up you're in me." she mumbled. He made a slight noise.

"Phil!" she said a bit louder. Before he could even move Alan came screaming out of the bathroom tripping over the two. Sophie yelped as pain shot through her hips. as phil got smacked by alan's legs. Phil rolled a bit and she yelled even more.

"God dammit!" Phil said in pain. he looked down at sophie.

"Soph?" He removed himself from inside her eyes wider than hers. As alan was trying to regain himself, phil snapped off the condom under the covers and rolled over next to Sophie.

"What the fuck?" Alan started screaming as he tried to cover his exposed legs with his shirt.

"Control yourself, man. Goddamn, will you put on some pants?"

"Phil, do not go in the bathroom!" Alan said panicking.

"AI, just calm down. It's me." Alan continued to freak out.

"Phil, there is a tiger in the bathroom." Sophie covered her head with her hands and rolled into phil

"Please stop screaming..." She was barely audible.

"What's going on?" Came Stu from the living room area. He had been so quiet they didnt even know he was there.

"There's a jungle cat in the bathroom!" Alan screamed again trying to cover his penis as he danced around in fear. Phil asked Sophie if she was okay and stood up. She covered herself with the blanket so no one could see her.

"Okay, okay, Al. Al, I'll check it out." He assured Alan and walked towards the bathroom buttoning and zipping his pants.

"Don't go in. Don't go in, don't go in. Be careful. Don't, don't." Alan said over and over. Sophie lokked down as she slowly rubbed her sore inner thighs. her red cheekies were gone and all she had on was the red bra. looking out from under the blanket she found Stu's shirt and buttoned it on. sitting up she noticed her underwear on a nearby plant. she grabbed them and stood wobbly waiting for Phil to check out the bathroom. He barely got the door open when they heard the tiger growl. He immediately slammed the door.

"Oh! Holy fuck! He's not kidding!There's a tiger in there."

"No, there isn't." Stu said in disbelief. You could see the pain in his face.

"Yeah! It's big. Gigantic." Alan yelled. Sophie walked past Phil and Alan and sat down next to Stu.

"You okay, buddy? Sophie? You...um you good?" Phil asked as he found a blue button down. Sophie moaned.

"No. I am in so much pain right now." Stu said. Sophie could barely lift her head let alone open her eyes to look at phil.

"What do you think Phil..." Phil looked around trying to avoid eye contact.

"Goddamn. Look at this place..." He sat down as Stu started to get his usual worried look.

"I know. Phil, they have my credit card downstairs. I am so screwed. Um...Soph?" She looked up at him. before she could answer alan spoke up

"How does a tiger get in the bathroom? It almost killed me!" Phil grabbed a monster off the table and turned to look at Alan

"Hey, bro? You mind putting on some pants? I find it a little weird I have to ask twice." Alan looked around frantically.

"Pants at a time like this? I don't have any p..." Phil looked around then down at Sophie

"What the fuck happened last night... Woah...Sophie Your hair..." Sophie looked up at Phil him imediately.

"And your face! Your neck!" Stu said taken aback. She grabbed a silver tray off the table.

"What the fuck!" She said almost crying. Her hair was Blonde. Completely blonde. A stitched gash was at the top of her forehead and her lip was cut. Black and blue hickies dotted her neck.

"Are those Stitches? ow!" She touched her stitches. she whimpered as Phil touched her hair.

"Wow. Sexy!" She glared at him.

"Sexy! What the hell-" She stopped as she noticed hickies all over his neck...dark blue ones. they were worse than hers. then she noticed the bite mark.

"Someone bit your shoulder phil..." She pulled pack his collar. He cringed.

"Ow! my back burns!" She stood and leaned over to look down his back. There were claw like scratches all over. As she looked Stu looked closer as her butt.

"Sophie did you always have a heart shaped tattoo on your ass?" Both her and Phil turned to look at it.

"WHAT!" She tried to look down at it.

"I can't see the writing-what the!" Phil had grabbed her left hand.

"What the fuck is that!" he held it out. On her ring finger was a huge diamond ring. Her eyes widened.

"I GOT FUCKING MARRIED!" Stu looked at it.

"To who?" She glared at him.

"WHO DO YOU THINK! THE GUY I FUCKED LAST NIGHT!" She stormed into her room. the two sat in silence as Stu messed with his mouth.

"Hey, Phil, am I missing a tooth?" He lifted his upper lip.

"I can't... Oh, shit." Phil started laughing. Stu grabbed the tray sophie had and looked at his mouth.

"Oh, my God. My lateral incisor's... It's gone!" He started to freak out.

"It's okay. Okay, okay. Just calm down. We're fine. Everything's fine. Alan, go wake up Doug. Let's get some coffee and get the fuck out of Nevada before housekeeping shows." He seemed to be trying to reassure himself also. They heard Sophie scream from her bedroom.

"What am I gonna tell Melissa? I lost a tooth. I have no idea how it happened." Phil heard her call his name. he moved to go see what was wrong.

"You're freaking me out, man. I got a massive headache, okay? Let's just calm down. Ima go check on Soph." He stood up

"How am I supposed to calm down? Look around you!" Stu wined. Phil shook his head and went to sophie's room.

"Phil what the fuck!" She said crying. Since her comforter was in the hall, the bed had nothing but sheets that were all messed up and soiled.

"It that..." he looked down at the bed.

"Oh christ! Its jizz!" Sophie grabbed the unstitched side of her head.

"Phil! look at the Goddamn floor! I counted at least seven condoms! All of 'em are fucking broken!" Phil tried not to show his glee.

"We fucked 8 times! holy shit!" Sophie smacked him

"You think thats great! That we make love again since high school and its drunk, in vegas and we dont remember?"

"Why did you say make love?" He said pulling her closer. She looked away.

"Oh sorry i mean fuck. we fuck again...a-anyway can you tell me what my ass says?" She turned around. Phil bent down and read it.

"Phil and Sophie forever. June 4th 2011. Thats last nights date. do you think we really got married?" Sophie shook her head.

"W-why do i have a tattoo! what about you!" He took off his shirt.

"Anything?" She looked him around. she stopped on his hip.

"Wait..." She spotted words. pulling down his pants a bit there was cursive black writing tattooed on his pelvis.

"Oh my God Phil! why is this here! how did you remember this!" He looked down.

"Remember what!" She read it out loud.

"Y el corazón no tiene cara

Y te prometo que lo nuestro

Nunca va a terminar

Y el amor vive en el alma" Phil closed his eyes. he knew what it meant. it was their song. The song they had their first dance to...the song they first made love to.

"And the heart has no face

And I promise you that our love

Is never going to end

And love lives in the soul

Soph..." He looked at her she shook her head. and went to put on some clothes. He watched her as she moved silently. not a word. not even a glance. He shook his head and left the room.

Coming out of her room he saw just alan and stu.

"Alan i thought you went to get doug!" Alan had wrapped a sheet around his waist.

"I did, he's not in there." Stu was still looking at his tooth.

"Did you check all the rooms?" Phil said looking around.

"Yeah, I looked everywhere. Plus, his mattress is gone." Sophie came out wearing skinny black jeans converse and a Runaways t-shirt.

"He probably went to the pool to get something to eat. I'll just call his cell." Phil said picking up his phone

"I look like a nerdy hillbilly." Stu cried still inspecting the bloody hole in his mouth.

"You lost your tooth?" Sophie said looking in his mouth. Phil dialed doug and a ring was heard in the room. Alan looked around and found doug's phone. Phil still kept calling as he watched alan answer.

"Hello?" phil looked right at him as Alan picked up

"Alan."

"Hey." Alan looked as if he wasn't talking to someone in the room. Sophie glared at him.

"It's Phil." Alan acted surprised.

"Oh, hey, Phi..." Thats when he got it.

"This is Doug's phone. This is Doug's phone." He hung up. Phil shook his head as they heard a baby cry. they all looked at each other.

"What the fuck is that?" Stu said starting to get upset? Sophie Got up and followed the noise. She opened a closet door and looked down

"Who the fuck leaves a baby in the closet! Did we take it?" Stu and the others came up behind her.

"Whose fucking baby is that?" Phil asked. Sophie reached down to grab its hand. Stu turned towards Alan.

"Alan, are you sure you didn't see anyone else in the suite?" Alan shook his head as he stared at the baby.

"Yeah, I checked all the rooms. No one's here. Check its collar or something." Stu reached down with sophie to comfort the baby.

"It's okay, baby." Phil Groaned.

"Stu, Soph, we don't have time for this. Let's go hook up with Doug,we'll deal with the baby later." Sophie stood up.

"What are you smoking meth! we're not gonna leave a baby in the room. There's a fucking tiger in the bathroom!" Sophie yelled at him.

"It's not our baby." Phil defended.

"Phil, She's right." Stu added.

"Yeah, I gotta side with Stu and Sophie on this one." Alan said waving at the baby.

"All right, fine. Okay, we'll take it with us. Could you at least just find some pants?" Phil motioned to Alan. Sophie approached him.

"You better hope for your sake after last night that we dont end up with one of those in 9 months...cause ill fucking kill you." Phil watched her walk away again.

"AND STOP STARING AT MY ASS!" Phil smiled as Stu came up next to him.

"I love when she's angry its so hot." Stu shook his head and left. once alan found some pants they left the villa and headed for the elevator. Alan found a baby carrier with the baby and strapped it to his chest. The stood on silence in the elevator

"Why can't we remember a goddamn thing from last night?" Stu said nursing his sore mouth. Sophie Gingerly touched her stitches.

"Because we obviously had a great fucking time. Why don't you just stop worrying for one minute. Be proud of yourself." Sophie shot him a look.

"Oh you should be proud of yourself dick." She shook her head. Stu turned around.

"Yeah what the hell is going on you two why were you together on the floor."

"We were next to each other! not together" Sophie said quickly. Alan piped in

"You guys were together I saw Phil on top of you like doug and tracy." They all looked at him.

"What? Alan the fuck-" Before Stu could ask him what he meant the elevator stopped and an older woman got on.

"Aww, He yours?" She looked at sophie

"Yepp! My husband and i love to take our bay with us on conferences!" she put a hand on phil's shoulder. She gave a warm smile.

"Oh, how cute. What's his name?" they all hesitated.

"Ben." Phil offered

"Carlos." Alan said sternly. Sophie and Phil looked at each other and asked

"Carlos? fuckin racist..." sophie mumbled. Phil was the only one that heard her and started laughing

Once they left the elevator Stu went to the front desk at the rest went to the pool. Grabbing a table, alan sat "carlos" down as Phil ordered a few juices and coffee. Sophie check through her phone.

"Oh fuck!" She yelled as she started through her photos.

"What?" Phil said leaning over.

"I have 4 photos of last night and a video..." she grimaced as she looked through the photos.

"And they are?" Phil tilted the phone towards him

"Oh my...damn!" He started laughing. she smacked him.

"Its not funny!" Sophie looked through the four photos again and again.

the first was an aerial shot of her and Phil making out, taken by her, with phil's hand tightly gripped on her boob. it looked like the back of a car but she couldnt tell what car it was. the next was of Sophie in the middle of the street with the back drape of her dress up over her head. she held her arms up like beavis did in the Mtv cartoon when he would play cornholio. her face showed she was clearly plastered and she gave an unattractive gimace that was supposed to be a smile. the next two photos were the same except now phil was trying to get in her dress. he continued to laugh as she flipped through the photos.

"Click the video! Click it!" Sophie moved her phone away.

"No! i dont want you to see it!" He fought her for the phone and won. He played the video. Sophie couldn't watch she looked away. phil immediately started laughing.

"I AM CORNHOLIO! I NEED PHIL FOR MY BUNGHOLE! YOU WANT TO SEE MY BUNGHOLE!" She instantly turned to see the video. it was her screaming in the street over the sounds of the guys laughing. Phil came up with a bottle of ceroc in his hand.

"Oh i wanna see it!" He fondled her in her dress.

"I AM CORNHOLIO! ¡QUIERO COGERLE TODA LA NOCHE!" She turned and kissed Phil roughly as the began to frantically make out.

"You're fucking face is hilarious! What the hell does that mean!" Phil asked between labored breaths. he couldn't stop laughing. Sophie put her head in her arms on the table. her stitches gave a twang of pain.

"I want to fuck you all night..." Phil laughed so hard he had to grab his sides. Sophie tried not to smile but it was pretty funny.

"Hey, Phil, look." They looked over at alan. He had taken the baby's hand and made it look like he was jerking off at the table.

"He's jacking his little weenis." Sophie gagged.

"Alan thats gross!" Phil gave a labored chuckle

"Pull yourself together, man." He took a sip of coffee and tried not to laugh at the video

"Not at the table, Carlos." Alan said laughing.

"I wanna watch it again!" phil reached for her phone. Sophie put it away.

"NO! touch my phone i cut your balls off." He smiled mischievously as Stu walked up with his make-shift ice pack.

"I looked everywhere. Gym, casino, front desk. Nobody's seen Doug. He's not here."

"He's fine. He's a grown man. Seriously, Stu, you gotta calm down. Here, have some juice." Phil put juice infront of him. Stu took one look and vomited. Sophie looked away as Phil shook his head and tried to move on and not baby stu.

"Okay. All right. Let's just track this thing. What's the last thing we remember doing last night?" they all tried to think.

"Well, the first thing was we were on the roof...and were having those shots of Jäger." Alan answered. Stu wretched. Sophie laughed at him

"And then we ate dinner at The Palm. Right? And then we played craps at the

Hard Rock, and I think Doug was there.

""That sounds right...No, no. He definitely was." Phil started writing things down. Stu Shook his head.

"You know what, guys? I don't even remember going to dinner." Sophie went through her texts.

"I dont even remember leaving the roof...FUCK!" She scrolled through her texts.

"What the fuck? I don't think I've ever been this hung-over." Phil said throwing the pen down.

"After the Hard Rock, I blacked out. It was like emptiness." Alan said laughing. Stu gestured to Sophie's phone

"Fuck what?" Sophie looked up at him.

"I texted melissa last night..." Stu's eyes widened.

"You did WHAT!" He took her phone.

"Relax none say vegas! and theyre all auto-corrected. just tell her i got drunk wine tasting..." Stu scrolled through them making panic noised.

Sophie: HEY MELLISSA! GUEESSS WHHAT!

The Bitch: The fuck do you want is Stu okay?

Sophie: Stu's fine cunt i just wan you to knoe i fcking hate your goddamn souless asslless peice of shit ASS!

The Bitch: FUCK YOU LOOSE MY FUCKING NUMBER SKANK!

Sophie: Oh I soooo will. You knoww i bet youu fuckked satatn you lil demon and he gave u a body to come to erth in! haha! i got it thats it! TAKE CARE NOW BYE BYE BITCH! oh bnext time i se eyou IMA KICK YOUR ASSSSSSSSSSSSSS. 3

The Bitch: fuck you...

Stu handed the phone back as phil intercepted it and cracked up laughing.

"Why is melissa in your phone as "the bitch"" Sophie shrugged.

"Cause she is..." Stu gave her a WTF look.

"Seriously...youre the bitch." Sophie smiled and flicked him off.

Phil waved his hands in the air.

"Okay Moving on! We have up until 10 p. m...so that gives us a 12-hour window where we could have lost him." Alan pulled something out of his pocket.

"What is this?" Stu took it from him.

"Oh, my God. That is my tooth! Why do you have that? What else is in your pockets?" Alan started checking. Phil sat up.

"This is a good thing! No. Check your pockets. Check your purse." He motioned to Sophie. She opened it. immediately she got a whiff of vomit and tequila.

"Fuck! I threw up in my own purse!" She grabbed a knife and poked around inside in the side pocket was her ipod, untouched by vomit.

"Well looks like about 500 bucks covered in vomit... a phone number sharpied on a napkin...and my Ipod..." She slopped the napkin down as Stu wretched again and phil turned away.

"Gimme the pen." Phil handed it to her and she re-wrote the number. Phil turned to Stu.

"Do you have anything?" Stu took out a receipt.

"I have an ATM receipt from the Bellagio. 11:05 for $800! I am so fucked." Alan pulled out a valet ticket.

"I have a valet ticket from Caesars. looks like we got in at 5:15 a.m."

"Oh, shit. We drove last night?" Phil said covering his face. Alan chuckled.

"Driving drunk. Classic!" Stu gave a sarcastic laugh as Alan pointed to Phil's wrist.

"What's on your arm? Sophie has one too!" They looked at their matching wristbands.

"What the fuck is that?" Phil said reading it. Sophie moaned.

"What the hell!" She slipped it off. and looked at it more closely.

"Jesus, Phil? Soph? You guys were in the hospital last night."

"I guess so, yeah." Sophie looked at him

"You guess so?"

"You guys okay?" Alan asked concerned.

"Yeah, Alan. we're fine." Phil answered picking up sophie's

"What the hell is going on?" Stu asked genuinely freaked.

"Well, Stu, Stu, this is a good thing. We have a lead now!" Phil slipped his off too.

"Hey, Stu, watch this." Alan started up with the baby jerking again.

"You ever seen a baby do that?" He said with a big smile. Stu laughed at first them shook his head.

"Dude, Alan, not cool." They tried to get some of their drinks down and went out fron of Caesars. Phil checked the ticket with the lady at the valet desk as the other three waited at the curb.

"So, uh, are you sure you're qualified to be taking care of that baby? Sophie why don't you have the baby?"

"What 'cause im a girl i gotta be the one to take care of the kid fuck that. Alan wanted the baby he gets the baby!" She folder her arms and put her sunglasses on. Alan looked at Stu.

"What? I've found a baby before." Sophie's mouth hung open.

"You found a baby before?" Stu asked shocked.

"Yeah." Alan assured him

"Where?" He asked incredulously

"Coffee Bean." Sophie jerked her head back

"What?"

"Wait, what?" Stu shook his head in disbelief and even more shock. Phil walked up with the valet ticket.

"Hey, Phil? I don't think Doug would want us to take the Mercedes." Alan said concerned. Phil waved him off.

"Relax, we'll be careful."

"My dad is crazy about that car. He left Doug in charge..."

"Alan. We got bigger problems here. Doug could be in the hospital, he could be hurt. Let's worry about the car later." Sophie turned to Phil with a scared look when he said that.

"I-i'm sure he's okay" he reassured her. Stu looked up to the roof.

"Uh, guys? Check it out." Workers were trying to hoist a mattress off a statue.

"Is that the mattress from Doug's room?" Alan asked staring up at it.

"What the fuck?" Sophie and Phil said simultaneously. Phil walked up to another guest.

"Hey, man, what's going on here?" He pointed to the bed.

"Some asshole threw his bed out the window last night." The guy said as he loaded up his car. Sophie laughed.

"Dead Ass?" She looked at the guy.

"Yeah. Some guys just can't handle Vegas." Stu gave a sarcastic laugh as the guy left.

"Oh, God." He covered his face. Phil comforted him.

"It's gonna be okay, Stu."

"How the hell did we manage that?" Phil asked looking back up at the mattress. Suddenly a cop car came to a screeching stop in front of them. the Valet got out.

"Here's your car, officers." He walked over to them.

"Oh, God. All right, everybody act cool. All right, don't say a word. Come on, let's just get in and go." Phil said opening the passenger side door for sophie.

"Stu, you got a five?"

"No." he walked towards the cop car.

"I'll hit you on the way back." Phil said getting in the drivers seat. without noticing Alan coming towards him Stu opened the back door and hit the baby. He immediately started crying.

"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! You just nailed the baby!" Stu bend down to make sure he was all right. Alan just looked at him.

"Are my glasses okay?" Stu got in the car.

"Your glasses are fine, dick!" Phil started up the engine and pulled into traffic.

They sat in traffic for what seemed like forever before anyone spoke.

"This is so illegal." They heard from the back seat. Phil looked at him in the rear view mirror.

"Can't you see the fun part in anything Stu?" Stu looked around.

"Yeah, we're stuck in traffic in a stolen police car...with what is sure to be a missing child in the back seat. Which part of this is fun?"

"I think the cop-car part's pretty cool." Alan chimed in.

"Thank you, Alan. It is cool!" Sophie smiled.

"Doug would love it." She said turning to Stu. He gave a quiet sarcastic laugh face. Phil honked at traffic.

"Come on! Check this out." He started to turn the car towards the sidewalk with the sirens on.

"Oh, no. No, Phil! No, Phil. Don't do this!" Stu screamed from the back seat.

" Take it easy." Phil said as he drove slowly through pedestrians.

"Just try to call more attention to us asshole!" Sophie said slapping him. Phil turned on the loud speaker.

"Attention, please. Move out of the way. I repeat, please disperse." Stu apologized out the window to the people.

"Phil, stop the car, I wanna get out. Stop the car, I wanna get out. Stop the car, I wanna get out. Pull over." He repeated over and over.

"Ma'am, in the leopard dress..." Phil stopped to look at her as he announced.

"...you have an amazing rack." Sophie smacked him and cussed in spanish. Stu continued to scream.

"Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk! Get off the sidewalk!" Alan just laughed. Phil turned back onto the clear road.

"I should have been a fucking cop!" He said smiling.

"You should have been a vigilante you fucking prick." Sophie mumbled to him.

"I'm sorry what did you say? Yeah just shut up kay Beaner?" She laughed.

"Fuck you Wenneck."


	4. at least he doesnt touch old balls

Chapter 4: At least he doesnt touch old dirty balls for a living

"Look, I already told you. You came in with a mild concussion, some bruised ribs. No big deal. Her on the other hand, im surprised you didnt crack your skull open!" The doctor tested his patients reflexes as he spoke to the group. Sophie stepped towards him.

"What was wrong with me?" He turned towards them.

"Both you and him came in here covered in blood, yours. your lip was cut and you alreadly had mild bruises on your body. Somehow you got that gash on the top of your head, we found gravel from the wound so you may have hit the street...Although none of you could articulate how it happened." He continued to check the old man on the table.

"Do you remember how many of us were here?" Phil asked. The doctor thought about it a second.

"Ah...I don't know. I think it was just you guys. Definitely no baby. And one other guy." Stu got excited.

"That's our guy. Was he okay?" Alan stared at the old man in his underwear.

"Yeah. He was fine. Just whacked out of his mind. You all were." The doctor put on a set of latex gloves.

"All right, come forward. And turn. All right." The group all turned their backs to the room as the doctor puleld down the old man's underwear and grabbed his penis.

"There you go. And cough." He gave a labored cough. Sophie turned to look at alan who was staring at the old mans balls. she turned to stu who saw it also and gave a "WTF" face.

"Cough. Cough. Give me one more. All right. Thattaboy. Okay, Felix, you can put your robe on. And the nurse will be in here in a minute. I'll see you after the weekend." The doctor said in a louder tone. The old man thanked him. turning to meet the doctors face he turned and shook his head as if too say he wasn't gonna see he after the weekend.

"Guys, I really gotta go. I'm sorry. I have a surgery up on the fourth floor." He washed his hands as alan continued to stare at the old man. Sophie slapped him out of his trance.

"No, I know. But we just need a couple more minutes of your time." Phil held up a hundred dollar bill. The doctor looked at it a second and nodded.

"Yeah. Tuck it right in there. I don't want to re-sterilize. Walk with me." Phil tucked it in his jacket and they walked with him to get a file.

Okay, here we go. Patients names were, Phil and Sophie Wenneck, 2:45 a.m. arrival. Phil Wennek had minor concussion, like I said. Some bruising. Pretty standard. Sophie Wennek had blunt force trauma to the forehead 12 stitches couple scrapes a cut lip and some bruising." Stu moved to grab the folder.

"Do you mind if I look? I'm actually a doctor." The doctor looked at him.

"Yeah, you said that several times last night. But really, you're just a dentist." Sophie narrowed her eyes at him.

"Hey at least he doesnt touch old dirty balls for a living dick." Stu looked at her in shock.

"Sophie!" He said quietly. She shrugged. the doctor laughed.

"Yeah you got quite the mouth. I wouldnt be surprised if one of these three hit you on purpose last night. Okay, this is interesting. Your blood work came in this morning." He totally bi-passed Sophie's reaction to his comment as stu and phil laughed.

"Wow. They found a large amount of Ruphylin in both your systems." Phil gave a confused look as Sophie buried her head.

"Ruphylin. Roofies. Commonly known as the date-rape drug." Phil gave a nervous laugh.

"What, so, what are you saying, I was raped last night?" The doctor checked the charts

"Actually...I don't think so, at least not you. Sophie Wennek had some mild abrasions on the inside of her legs...could have been anything." Sophie looked at phil as she spoke to the doctor.

"Yeah doc, that wasnt rape..." The doctor nodded.

"But someone did slip you the drug. I'm not surprised you don't remember anything." Alan started to laugh.

"Doc, none of us can remember anything from last night. Remember?" he looked towards the others. they rolled their eyes and looked back at the doctor. Phil gave him a confused look.

"Yeah. How could someone have drugged all of us?" The doctor packed up the file

"Look, I wouldn't worry about it guys. By know the stuff's out of your system. You're gonna be fine." Stu tried to stop him.

"Wait, wait, wait. Please, doctor. Is there anything else? Like, something we may have been talking about...or some place we were going?" the doctor stopped and thought a second.

"Actually, there was something. You guys kept talking about some wedding last night." Sophie was the only one who thought about that one. She looked down at the huge ring. Stu shook his head.

"Yeah. No shit. Our buddy Doug's getting married tomorrow." Phil reached for the doctor's pocket.

"You know what? I want the 100 back." the doctor pulled away.

"No, no. Easy. You kept talking about some wedding you just came from. At the, uh, Best Little Chapel. You kept saying how sick the wedding was and getting all crazy about it." Sophie looked up at him.

"Was it us talking about our marriage?" She motioned to her and Phil. Phil's head shot up as he looked at the doctor.

"Yeah you two and someone else got married last night." Alan smiled.

"Was it me and sophie!" Sophie and phil looked at him in disgust.

"Yeah..., I hope this helps. I really have to leave." Phil pulled out a pen and paper.

"Best Little Chapel, do you know where that is?" The doctor turned back to them.

"I do. It's at the corner of Get A Map and Fuck Off." Phil stopped writing and looked at him. Stu was taken aback as Sophie shook her head trying to comprehend what was just said.

"fucking prick..." she said under her breath as she stared at him bewildered.

"I'm a doctor, not a tour guide. Figure it out yourself, okay? You're big boys." With that the doctor left. Stu turned to Sophie as they left the building.

"Why did you back me up with the dirty balls line?" Phil laughed

"Ha! yeah that was a good one Soph. or should i say "Mrs. Wennek" He grabbed a hold of her. She pushed him away laughing.

"Because we are the only ones to make fun of you dr. faggot." He stopped smiling.

"Yeah i like it better when your name of choice for me is dickie." She hugged him

"Still love you. and yes, your job is better than his. teeth are way better than dirty balls in your hand." Alan spoke up

"I think he has a nice job!" They stopped walking and stared at him.

"Really Alan?" Sophie shook her head.

**A/n Sorry if this one seemed a bit short. I really wanted to title it dirty balls cuz i thought it was funny. next chappie is the chapel scene yay! oh! And we find out about the mysterious ring! Please review! love you guys! **


	5. the BLC, HP jewelers, n alan's virginity

**Special thanks to CeruleanKitten AvengedBaby RainbowShelby! Here we go another chappie yay! I really like doing this! **

**I own Sophie and a new character introduced here with a borrowed name :) Enjoy 3**

* * *

><p>Chapter 5: the Best Little Chapel Hydepark jewelers and Alan's virginity.<p>

Phil pulled the cop car up to a small Kiosk with maps. Letting Stu out, Sophie sat legs crossed on the hood of the car with Phil leaning against it next to her. Alan stayed inside with the baby.

"Hey Sophie..." She stared down the strip at the people going to and from in their morning

"What Phil."

"can we talk about well...the way we woke up" Sophie sighed

"What is there to talk about? We don't remember what happened. We were roofied..."

"Doesn't matter what we can't remember. It matters that we know we at least did it once...i mean come on Beaner we woke up with me inside you. We apparently got married. For what its worth, im sorry. i don't know how to handle this." Sophie smiled to herself

"You handled it just fine when it happened with Beth." She looked up at him, tears in her eyes. Phil's mouth hung open. Before he could answer Stu came over to them.

"Got the directions! Um...you guys cool?" Sophie wiped her eyes real quick and climbed in the back seat of the cop car. Stu looked at Phil with his head cocked to the side.

"What did you do know?" Phil got off the car.

"Don't worry about it. Lets just find the fucking chapel."He got in the drivers side and started the car.

After long minutes of silence, and the faint sounds of Sophie's ipod, Alan broke the ice

he started out humming then sang out loud.

"I was riding top down with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. ne ne na na ne it was a fairy tale..." He patted his legs to the off beat in his head. Phil and Stu slowly turned around and looked at him.

"You belong with mee-ee-eeee with the tear drops on my guitar!" Stu raised an eyebrow.

"Alan seriously? What the fuck?" Stu shook his head and turned around. Phil sped up and turned into the chapel parking lot.

"What about the baby?" Alan asked getting out. Sophie looked in at "Carlos" She shrugged.

"Leave him in the car." Phil nodded

"We're gonna be five minutes its fine!"

"Whoa, we're not leaving a baby in the car!" Stu whined.

"He'll be fine. I cracked the window!" Phil walked towards the chapel

"Stu come on it's fine lets just figure this shit out." Sophie said. Alan patted her on the shoulder.

"Yeah lets go find out about our wedding." Sophie slowly turned to him

"Move! now!" He quickly moved back. She shook her head and walked inside.

"What if they don't remember us?" Stu asked walking in to the parlor

"Well, let's just find out." Phil said looking around. They spotted an Greek looking man and woman working on the altar.

"I'm sor... Excuse me, sir? Hi." The man turned around excited and laughing.

"Look at these guys! What happened? You miss me? You miss Eddie? You want more from me? How are you, my friend? Ah! Look at this guy. You're fucking crazy!" He grabbed alan's beard. he then laughed and came to sophie arms outstretched.

"AH! my spicy quesadilla! how are you you crazy bitch!" He hugged her and pinched her ass. She squealed and pulled her hand pack to hit him. Phil grabbed her right hook. Eddy laughed and faked a block.

"Ahhahaha! Float like butterlfy no? ha HA! crazy Bitch!"

"Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. I know some sick people in my life. This guy is the craziest, wildest bastard I ever met in my life, man." He pointed at Stu the group looked at him amazed.

"This guy?" Phil pointed to him laughing.

"This guy is out of his mind! What's going on, you fucking crazy motherfucker?" He hugged stu. Stu just stood there.

"I thought he was gonna eat my dick." they all stared at him unsure how to react.

"What happened? No love for Eddie? You don't hug me?" He shifted his gaze between the four.

"No, no. It's not that, Eddie. Uh, it's just that we're having a hard time remembering...what happened here last night." Stu said a little nervous.

"Yeah, was there a wedding here? Do you do weddings here? Was it mine?" Alan asked. Sophie scoffed.

"You are cracking my balls, man." he said laughing. Phil spoke up.

"Obviously we were here. We're looking for our friend Doug. Do you remember?"

"Yeah, the small guy. Like a monkey."

"Yeah. You saw him?" Stu said excited.

"Of course." Eddy said still laughing.

"Is there anything you can tell us about what may have happened last night?" Stu asked.

"You don't remember nothing? not even both your weddings?" He looked at sophie, Phil, and Stu. Stu's eyes widened.

"B-both?" Eddy took them over to he counter where he laid out two photo albums. They opened up the first one to show stu and a woman in a cowboy hat. Stu moaned as Alan looked at the photo smiling.

"Congratulations, Stu, you got married!" Stu continued to moan as he looked through the photos of him and the mysterious woman.

"This...This can't be happening!" He flipped to a photo with the five of them and the woman, Sophie was wearing a matching cowboy hat and a blue dress with the woman as the guys wore blue tuxedos. Stu had his hand on the woman's boob as Sophie grabbed Phil's crotch.

"Oh, God. Look at that!" Stu said turning from it. Sophie groaned and buried her head in her hands. she could only imagine what her own wedding looked like. Phil took the album and flipped though some more.

"I'll tell you one thing, you look seriously happy here, man." He looked at a photo of Stu completely cheesing with the woman on his back. Stu walked in circles.

"That's it. My life is over!" He cried Phil turned to look at him.

"Stu, it's okay. Look, shit happens. Come on. Melissa's not gonna know anything about this. This never happened. I'll take care of it."

"Oh really. Okay phil, lets look at ours!" Sophie said slamming the book down in front of phil. He hesitated than opened it. He immediately put his fist to his mouth to try to hide his own moan of shock.

This time the phil was in his black suit and Sophie was wearing a dime-store bought wedding veil and a costume Marilyn monroe white dress. Her hair was already blonde and her and phil were all over each other. He flipped it to the next photo. The guys were in the blue tuxedos and the woman was there in a plain blue dress. Phil and Sophie were smiling mouths wide open as stu and doug laughed. Alan was genuinely upset as he stared Phil down.

"Wow...um they're not that bad..." He flipped to the next photo. Phil had Sophie up around his waist and he was leaning his pelvis into her. Sophie had her mouth wide open as if she was screaming with her hands in the air. She raised an eyebrow and shot him a look.

"Not that bad huh? That'll be great to show the grand kids!" She growled turning away. Phil smirked.

"Grand kids? Oh i like that." She glared at him.

"Oh don't even entertain the idea for even a second shitdick."

"Come on. Put it here." they looked up to see eddy's woman come out with two large boxes.

"Hey, what's all that?" Alan asked getting excited. She opened it and eddy began showing it off.

"The High Roller package. It's what you ordered. I have coffee mugs. You have baseball caps, huh? And fancy calendars, all with pictures of Stu and Jade." Alan took the baseball hat.

"Her name's Jade?" Phil asked smiling. it sounded hot to him.

"Yeah, and she's beautiful, man. Clean, very tight. Tits like that." He motioned to how large her tits were.

"But that's because she had a baby." Phil gave a small sigh of relief as Stu continued to pace.

"That explains the baby." Alan looked up

"Oh, Carlos. Carlos!" Sophie looked in the other box.

"None of Phil and I?" Eddy shrugged.

"Ah phil pay so much for ring you didnt want the package." phil and sophie looked at each other.

"Wha-How much did i pay for the ring?" Phil asked, hoping eddy would know.

"Ah, i dont know man. You got it at Hydepark jewelry around the corner." Sophie looked out the window for the jewelry shop. she spotted it and widened her eyes. it looked high up. She turned when she head phil speak.

"Great. All right. Uh, here's the deal. We made a mistake last night. We need these marriages annulled. You do annulments?" Sophie looked at phil, her mouth hung open a bit. Eddy nodded.

"Of course I do. It breaks my heart and gonna make me sad...but it's no problem.

Good price for both of you. I can do you two now, but him? I can't do it with just him, though. I need the chick. I need both parties." Phil shook his head in agreement.

"Oh, not a problem. That's great. Isn't that great, Stu?" Stu paced more.

"Come on, buddy. She probably knows where Doug is." Stu finally stopped

"Awesome." he said going back to his pacing. Phil looked down at sophie finally seeing her look of bewilderment and pain.

"What? Come on we get a quickie divorce, return the ring, and go find out if the chick knows where doug is okay?" Sophie shook her head than smacked phil as hard as she could. it echoed through the tiny chapel. no one said a word as Phil stared at her his mouth the shape of an O. Sophie stormed out of the building.

"Wow...okay we need her address. She filled out some paperwork, right?"

"Of course."

"Stu get her information im going to see what the fuck is wrong with her." Phil said rubbing his cheek. Stu nodded and phil took off. Eddy looked to his woman filing her nails.

"Hey. Excuse me. What is the matter with you? Go and get the paperwork, man. I spend my life waiting for you. Come on. And get the baklava, please!"

Phil came out of the chapel to see sophie sitting on the bench out front her head completely down to her knees.

"What the fuck is the matter with you! Why the hell did you do that? What you want to be married to me?" She looked up at him.

"Maybe i do..." He cocked his head back and knitted his eyebrows.

"You hate me! you loath my ver existence most of the time. Why the hell would you want to stay married!"

"I dont know phil! I mean maybe we can try what we started all those years ago and if it doesnt work than we can get a divorce in like a month 2 months." Phil shot her a look.

"You mean if you don't love me. Cause i gotta say Soph thats fucked up! You'd have me spend 2 months married to the girl of my fucking dreams since grade school, then in 2 months if she doesnt seem to love me put me through the same shit Beth is now!" Sophie stood up.

"What? Girl of your dreams? Phil you serious?" He looked into the distance then back at her.

"Sophie. I love you. I always have. That night we spent together on your prom was amazing. that night we made out in my dorm was incredible. every second with you is ridiculous. I can't help myself around you. And that night in college for a second i thought you felt the same. but i guess i was just a rebound." She shook her head.

"Phil i always...liked you. But when you knocked up Beth in college, then had to marry her and raise the kid after graduation...i thought, "Holy shit! That could have been me!" when we made love prom night...and you had to leave that morning to pick up your kid...i told myself that i shouldn't fall in love with you. You and Beth were living in Hell. What if that was us? You were my best friend since the day the billings brought me home from Guadalajara. we've been friends for 13 years phil. I couldn't ruin that. even though your marriage was shit...i couldn't ruin that either...you have a 6 year old son. how could i handle that responsibility so young?" Phil thought a moment.

"Oh come on we could have gotten through all of that! I did! The kid's fine! Beth doesnt wanna be married to me! what the fuck soph what more do you want!"

"I want you and me to be friends! I want life to be normal again! Not fucking 8..9..10 times in one goddamn night and getting married right after your divorced ON A NIGHT WE DONT EVEN REMEMBER!" She was starting to get heated.

"You always liked me...but never loved me...what about now? you want to stay married? okay we will. You wanna have sex and remember it okay we will! do you want that or not cause your starting to confuse me! What? Huh! What the fuck do you want sophie! what do you feel now that you want to stay married!" A tear fell from her eye.

"I...I don't know yet! Curiosity i guess!" Phil shook his head then grabbed her Shoulders clearly pissed.

"Curiosity huh? Well i guess i gotta try my damnedest to make you fall for me then. Kinda hard when your a humorless ice queen!"

"That includes not being a total asshole!"she shot back.

"Well thats kinda hard seeing that you're a total bitch 99.9% of the time!" She pushed him away

"Dick!" Phil grabbed her hands and pulled her in to kiss her. Sophie smacked him again then turned away. Stu and alan came out. they all started walking away.

"Hey, Phil, what about my dad's car?"Alan asked worried.

"I'm sure Doug has it. We'll get it back." Phil said as they put the boxes in the trunk.

"Then I vote we torch the cop car and all this shit with it." Stu said. Sophie raised her hand.

"I second that." Phil looked both of them then just at Stu.

"Torch it? Who are you?" Stu shook his head.

"I don't know, Phil. Apparently I'm a guy who marries complete strangers. This whole situation is completely FUCKED! These mugs! This hat! This car!" he took alan's hat off and threw it on the ground along with a mug.

"Hey!"

"It's all evidence of a night that never happened. That is why we're torching all of it."

"Whoa, I'm a schoolteacher, I got a family, okay? I'm all for secrecy, but I'm not gonna torch a cop car." Sophie narrowed her eyes at him

"A family huhh? You afraid your precious Beth will be mad? Pedazo de Caca! Vete a la verga culero!"

"Da fuck did you just say to me?" She flicked him off and got in the back of the car.

"Chinga usted, Besa mi culo, puto!" they hear her yell.

"Im so tired of your senorita princess BULL SHIT!" He yelled back. They saw her put her headphones in.

"Im not torching the car." Phil said turning back to Stu.

"Fine. I'll do it." Stu said.

"Can I help?" Alan asked quickly.

"Yeah, thanks." As soon as Stu spoke a phone rang. They all frantically checked theor pockets as alan stood there without a phone to check for.

"Is it Doug? It's Doug, it's Doug!" Phil said frantically. Stu groaned.

"Uhg, it's Melissa!" Phil Shook his head.

"Don't answer it." He said slamming the trunk gaining a look from Sophie inside.

"I have to. She's called twice already!" Stu yelled. Alan grabbed on to phil

"Can I ride shotgun since sophie called you mean things in mexican?"

"Don't touch me!" Phil said pushing Alan away. He got in the car, giving sophie a frustrated look in the rearview.

Hey, sweetheart, how are you?

I know. The reception up here's crazy.

I think it's all the sequoia trees, block the signal.

Ah, it was really fun, actually. It was quiet, but it was a good time. Sorry about Sophie.

Yeah she was hammered. threw up everywhere! even in her own purse

Yeah it was really embarrassing!

Well, I'm learning all kinds of vino factoids." Alan waved at the baby between sophie and stu.

"Hi! lt'd be so cool if I could breast-feed. you know?" He said turning back to Phil. Phil gave him a WTF face.

"Well, listen...we're about to go for a tractor ride. I should get going. So pretty." A orange Eclipse came flying up the road into the parking lot and blocked them from getting out.

"What the fuck?" Phil said looking out the rearview. Sophie removed her headphones and looked too. two men got out, one with a baseball bat.

"Da' Fuck?" She said panicking.

"Go, out of the car!" the smaked the car with the bat and pointed it at phil

"They started up the tractor. I think it backfired." Stu continued. Sophie reached for the phone

"Get the fuck off the phone!" She whispered frantically as Stu slapped her away repeatedly.

"Where the hell is he?" They yelled angrily.

"Hey, easy, easy. I think we're looking for the same guy, okay?" Phil said trying to calm down. the second guy took a lead pipe and smashed the windshield causing "Carlos" to cry.

"Hey! What the hell, man?" Phil screamed.

"FUCK YOU!" Sophie yelled.

"Why would there be a baby? We're at a winery. That's a goat...

...No! Sophie is still drunk dont worry...she's just impatient for the tractor ride!"

"Where is he?" They demanded again.

"I don't know! What are you talking about?" Phil screamed getting flustered

"Sir, can you please start the tractor so we can get out of here?" Stu said banging on the wire mesh of the car.

"I'm trying to, but we're fucking blocked!" Phil yelled back at them. Sophie tried to comfort the baby as they hit the shield again.

"Oh, my God!" She yelled. The baby continued to cry.

"Hey! There's a baby on board!" Alan yelled at the guy angrily.

"Get out of the car!" The one with the bat yelled again

"It's a baby goat!" Stu assured melissa. Eddy came out of the chapel with a crowbar zipping his pants.

"Why you making trouble for my business, man? Go away from here!"

"Get out of the fucking car!" the guy with the lead pipe pulled out a gun. alan yelped.

"Phil, he's got a gun!"

"No shit he's got a gun!"

"I gotta call you back. Bye!" Stu said hanging up on melissa. Just as he did Phil shifted gears and floored it, running over the gun man's foot. He fired a shot in the air that clipped Eddy in the shoulder. He screamed out and stumbled over in pain as Phil tried to get out.

"Fuck! Shit!" Stu started Screaming.

"He shot Eddy!" Phil put the car into reverse as Sophie clung on to the roof and the baby.

"Fuck this shit!" he slammed on to the Eclipse then in to a glass bus stop and swung on to the street as Stu and Sophie screamed fuck over and over in the backseat. once they were clear Stu screamed Go! and the sped off.

"Okay. Oh, that was some sick shit!" Phil said looking back.

"Who were those guys?" Alan screamed as Sophie tried to breathe. Stu comforted the baby.

"We're gonna be okay. Everything's gonna be okay. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?"

"I have no idea." Phil pulled around the corner. Stu's phone rang.

"Why don't you just let that go to voicemail big boy?" Sophie breathed out.

"OH Ha-ha-ha! That's a fake laugh, by the way." Stu said obnoxiously.

"Alright we gotta hide the car then walk to the jewelry place." Stu shook his head.

"Nu uh! NO! im not staying around here and geting shot! lets get the fuck out of here and find jade!" Phil swung the car behind a building adjacent to the jewelry stores back door.

"Look we'll go in the back door it'll be fine. bring the baby alan." Alan re-strapped "Carlos" onto his chest as the all went into the jewelry store. As soon as they entered, a thick black woman shouted out to them.

"OhhhHHH! Ma Baby! Come back to give mama some suga!" She looked towards Alan and the baby.

"This is your bab-" Before Sophie could finish the woman had grabbed Alan and french kissed him. Everyones mouth dropped.

"Wait...What?" Stu asked. The woman pulled back off of Alan. She looked like the nasty woman from Friday who said she looked like Janet Jackson. Her Ass was huge under a thick african print dress and her hair was a strange weave that smelled like caribbean food. Sophie laughed as she remembered the scene when smokey met "Janet Jackson" This woman was literally her twin.

"Why you dont kiss ya woman when she come ta ya!" She said putting her hands on her hips. Alan looked at the other three.

"I..uh...i never kissed a dark person before..." She laughed showing her messed up snaggletooth.

"Oh honey you did more than that! What i wasnt good enough for ya suga?" Stu, Sophie, and Phil's eyes widened.

"Oh Im sure you're a nice chocolate woman!" Alan said smiling. The woman raised an eyebrow.

"Huh? Sophie hunni, was he talkin about? how come he actin strange? An' why he got a baby! I already gits four gets an they daddies aint doin shit im not taking care a this one!" Sophie stopped for a moment to comprehend what was just said to her. she shook her head.

"Uh...im sorry i dont know your name. We were drugged last night and dont remember a thing. We...uh just came from the best little chapel and were told we bought this here before hand..." She showed the woman the ring. She started laughing loud and obnoxiiusly.

"Oh my damn! that explains a lot! haha! Well, Sophie hunni im Miss Shirley Q. Liquor!, Call me Shirley. Ah Yeah ya'll come down the street acting like damn fools yelling corn-something. I keep my store open 24 hours in case some couple wanna get hitched 'cross that street here. You came in and he asked for the most expensive ring i got in the store! So i hand you that one there plus 4 more. While ya'll two picked em out Alan here was all over Miss Shirley! Mmmhhmmm we had a nice night after i met ya'll at you're hotel! Left aroun' 6:40 after alan and i were done." Sophie did a double take as Stu asked her about doug.

"Did you see another guy with us! Doug!" She thought for a moment.

"When i came by Caea-sers, I didnt see noboody but alan. I did howeva hear you two goin at it in the next room! oh boy ya'll fucked like animals! after we finished I went to leave and ya'll took your little sex-fest to the floor! Looked like you fell asleep too! dont blame ya!" Alan stared at her.

"So you slept over with me?" Stu and Phil shook their heads as sophie corrected him.

"Alan...you had sex with her last night." She laughed loudly again

"Yessuh! And it was goooood! especially for his first time!" Phil tried to cover his laughter as Stu looked at the confused Alan.

"Alan was a virgin!" Sophie laughed out loud.

"Ha! Sexual Chocolate!" She fell over Phil laughing as Stu stared at the woman Hugging on to Alan.

"I had sex with a black?" She kissed him again.

"Yes you did! and you liked it!" She poked his nose. He chuckled.

"Oh boy!" Sophie and Phil regained themselves.

"Miss Shirley...could you tell us how much this ring cost?" Sophie asked. Mabel took it from her then looked at her case. She handed back the ring.

"Well...This is the Tacori Simply Tacori Platinum & Diamond Semi Mounting Engagement Ring...sells at 10,900 dollars." Phil gasped as he looked as if he got punched in the gut. he doubled over.

"Simply! What the fuck is simple about 11,000 dollars! aye dios mios!" Sophie cried. Phil sat up.

"Thats almost all i had left after the divorce!" He stared at the ring. Sophie thrist the ring at Shirley.

"What are you doing?" Phil asked her. Sophie looked at it confused.

"Im getting your money back..." Phil shook his head and took the ring back.

"No. You said you wanna stay married. we stay married. with the same ring. You deserve it." Sophie pulled her hand back as he went to put it on.

"No. I deserve a fucking 25cent prize ring at the nearest giant the way i treat you. no. we'll give it back and you'll have your savings back." Shirley Smiled at them.

"Hey you two how bout this. Since Ya'll are so sweet an loving, an i mean that even tho ya'll were fucked to high heavens...you still seemed to love the mess outta eachother...and since you introduced me to _Alan!_" She winked at him and he smiled as if he still didnt comprehend it.

"I'll give you 9,000 back. an ya'll keep the ring." They stared at her astonished.

"What! Oh no i could't let you do that! That would totally rip you off!" Shirley shook her head.

"AH hunni! I aint got no cameras..." She grabbed a baseball bat from behind the counter and smashed the glass of her jewelry case.

"Plus i got insurance. Not go on get! Ima pull the alarm and say i was robbed!" She winked.

"Blame it on the hoodlums who keep tormenting my little kitties!" They all looked at eachother scared.

"You just make sure Alan calls me like he promised! He owes me a second round!" Sophie hugged the crazy woman.

"Thank you! So much!" Shirley picked a box up from behind the counter and counted out 9,000$

"Now go on! GET!" she pressed the alarm button winking at Alan as they ran out the back door.

**A/n I was a little harsh on alan :) Please review oh! and if you dont know who the chick from friday is fun vid on my page and one of who shirley q. liquor is :D thanks for the support get ready for Jade and the cops! Should i taser Sophie? Review and lemme know!**


	6. Dont Tase me love!

**A/N Alright we are going to do this one a bit different :) So dont hate that im not following the Jade scene do a T. Please enjoy!**

**Thanks for the reviews and the votes!**

**Big Shout out and thanks to these few who favorited and commented. if i miss you im sorry i haven't figured out how to see who likes my story on fanfic:**

**blondie134**

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* * *

><p>Chapter 6: Don't Tase me love!<p>

"It's got, uh, Ted Danson and Magnum P.I. and that Jewish actor."

"Alan if you don't shut the fuck up..." Sophie muttered. phil turned to look at her

"Will you fix that attitude?" She shot him a look as Alan continued.

"No seriously it has ted Danson in it and-" Stu turned to look at him

"Shut up, Alan! What room was it again?" Phil checked the paper from eddy.

"It's 825." Just as they were walking towards the room a woman's voice was heard on the phone.

"I know, I did. I already checked with her." She came out just as they reached 825. She gasped excitedly.

"I found him, I'll call you back! Thank God, he's with his father. I was freaking out. I missed you, sweetie!" She took the baby from alan and cuddled with him.

"And I miss you." She kissed stu passionately as she moaned into the kiss. letting go Stu stared at her. Sophie and the other two boys exchanged glances.

"mmm-No!" She started laughing.

"What the hell happened to you guys?" They all looked at her confused.

"Actually, we were hoping you could tell us." Sophie said staring at Stu who was still standing awkwardly unsure how to react to the kiss.

"What do you mean? I got up this morning, I went to get coffee...and I came back and you were gone. Why are you being so quiet?" She said leaning forward and laughing at Stu.

"I'm not being quiet." He said awkwardly.

"Ha, ha. You're so cute! Yeah, I gotta feed Tyler. Come inside, you guys!" She grabbed Stu's hand and led him inside. Alan stopped and glared at Phil and Sophie.

"Did you hear that? Baby's name is Tyler." Phil put a hand on his shoulder as Sophie rolled her eyes.

"Yeah. I thought he looked more like a Carlos too, bud." Sophie scoffed and tried to push past Alan, Phil catching her arm.

"Go ahead in Buddy we're gonna stay out here and talk a bit." Alan nodded.

"Just know phil that sophie is as sensitive as a baby Carlos. be gentle." They both stared at him for a second before he flipped his hair and entered the apartment. Sophie leaned against the wall and slid to the ground. Phil stood next to her for a moment then came down to here level.

"I'm sorry." She said quietly after a moment of silence. Phil nodded.

"Seriously what the hell did you call me back there. I hate it when your bilingual." She half smiled.

" Pedazo de Caca. Vete a la verga culero... Chinga usted, Besa mi culo, puto? it means you piece of shit. Fuck you asshole... fuck you and Kiss my ass, bitch" He laughed as he covered his head with his hand.

"God. You kiss your mother with that mouth!" She looked at him.

"I kissed you with this mouth, thats enough to make it foul." They stared at eachother for a moment. Phil stood and pulled her to her feet.

"I'm sorry too. Your not a bitch all the time. only sometimes." he grinned

"Oh gee thanks." she said punching him playfully

"So you really wanna stay married to me?" She looked into his eyes a moment as they closed the gap between them. Before their lips could touch they heard someone spit a drink and Tyler cry. Jade's voice was heard through the open door.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm gonna go clean him off. It's all right, Daddy didn't mean it.

"We should see whats up..." She said pulling away. Phil closed his eyes and formed a line with his lips nodding his head. Sophie grabbed his hand and walked inside. Stu's head was buried in his hands as Jade went to clean off tyler.

"Oh, my God." Phil sat down next to him.

"What the fuck, man, you gotta hold it together." He looked in at Jade with her back to him.

"Holy shit!" Stu continued

"She is super should be proud of yourself." Sophie shot him a look from the other chair.

"Phil your so coarse!" Stu rocked a bit.

"She's wearing my grandmother's ring!"

"What? What ring?" Sophie asked him.

"The ring I'm gonna give to Melissa! You remember, my grandmother's Holocaust ring?" Sophie covered her face as Phil tried to calm him.

"Fuck. Okay." Stu burried his head in his hands.

"She's wearing it!" Alan looked at them confused.

"I didn't know they gave out rings at the Holocaust." Stu looked up at Sophie pissed. she just shook her head to say ignore him. Jade came back and sat in the chair sophie was sitting on the armrest of.

"He's okay. He was just hungry, he's fine." She said smiling. Sophie gave her a look. she didn't like how bubbly she was. Jade didnt catch it. Phil started to ask about Doug.

"Oh, good. About last night, uh, ahem, do you remember the last time you saw Doug?"

"Uh, I haven't seen him since the wedding." She said adjusting Tyler in her arms. Phil took out his pen and paper.

"The wedding. Okay. Great. And, uh, we can't re...What time was that at?" She took out her boob and exposed it to everyone. Sophies eyes went wide as Phil cleared his throat and looked down. Stu perked up like a dog as Alan stared intently at her. She put Tyler to her boob to feed.

"Well, it was, um...I guess it was around 1, because I had to go back to work and finish my shift. And then when I got out I headed over to the hotel with Tyler." Phil was aware of Sophie's eyes on him as he looked up at jade. he tried to keep his eyes off her chest.

"And was Doug there then?" He smiled at Sophie who crossed her arms and raised her eyebrow.

"I didn't see Doug because you guys were passed out. The room was a wreck! You and Sophie had were moving a bit on the floor but you were out shortly after I walked in and put Tyler down. So I just curled up next to Stu." She flirtatiously raised her eyebrows and gave a cat like rowr. Phil looked to stu smiling ear to ear. Stu swallowed a lump in his throat and raised his hand.

"I got a question. Um, you said when your shift ended. Does that mean you're a nurse?Or a blackjack dealer?" She smiled and looked at him like he was crazy.

"You know this. I'm a stripper!" Stu nodded his head and made a "Mm-hm" noise almost painfully. Sophie covered her mouth as she started to laugh.

"Well, technically I'm an escort...but stripping's a great way to meet the clients." Phil took advantage of Stu's situation as he laughed at him.

"hmm. Smart!" Stu nodded his head as he could barely get out.

"Savvy." Jade smiled dreamily.

"But that's all in the past, now that I married a doctor!" He shook his head.

"I'm just a dentist." She looked at him funny as Sophie snorted.

"Oh now your just a-" Before she could finish to police officers kicked in Jade's door guns drawn and yelling.

"Las Vegas Police! Freeze!" Sophie leaped off the arm rest and hit the floor hard as all three guys backed up on the couch Screaming. Tyler cried as his mother held him close to her. the male cop kept switching his gun from her to the guys. The female kept her gun on sophie who was cemented to the floor by the woman's foot.

"Shut that baby up! Shut that baby up!" Phil tried to shout "Okay!" to calm them down but they ignored him.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" She yelled into the carpet. The woman pushed harder into her back.

"SHUT UP MAMACITA!"

"Oh, God! Okay, okay, okay!" The guys yelled. The two cops hauled all four out of the apartment and over to las vegas police station. Phil Stu and Alan were awkwardly handcuffed together as sophie was handcuffed behind her back she glared at any cop that passed her.

"I hate cops." She snarled. Phil dialed Tracy at a nearby pay phone as a cop brought a group of kids up to them.

"After we take the mug shots, we bring them down here where they wait to be interviewed by the arresting officers. Trust me, kids, you do not wanna be sitting on these benches. We call this place Loserville. Follow me. All right, Come on." One overweight little boy tried to take a picture of Alan with his phone. Alan got pissed and kicked it out of his hand. the kid gave him a "WTF" look and walked away. A little black kid came up behind him and looked at Sophie. Her shit had been ripped a bit in the fight with the female cop and the cuffs behind her back didnt help. Her cleavage was out there and he smiled wide and shuddered.

"ohhhh...boobies!"

"Get away from me ya freak!"

"Im the boobie watcher and yours are mighty fine!" He motor boated the air. She gave a look of disgust as she kicked him in the shin.

"Ow! Bitch!"

"Go back to watching elmo you sick little bastard" he lunged at her with a punch just as his chaperone called out his name.

"Ronnie come on! what i tell you about open boobie watching!" Sophie's mouth dropped at what was going on.

"Fuck you Wheeler!" the kid said walking towards him. Sophie looked at Stu to see if he saw what just happened.

"Now thats a role model." (And yes these two are from role models. love the boobie watcher!) They listened to Phil as he talked to Tracy.

"Hey, Tracy! It's Phil.

We are at the spa at the hotel.

Of course. Why wouldn't he be?

Um...We made a deal, no talking to girlfriends or wives. So we're all calling each other's." He gave Stu a look since he had already talked to Melissa.

Uh, you are not gonna believe this. We got comped an extra night

at the hotel.

Yeah. The suite is... It's 's out of control.

There's, like, room service and a butler. I mean, just the works. We're thinking of spending the night...and we're gonna come back in the morning.

That's why we're gonna get up early, and we'll be back in plenty of time." A cop came out down the hall.

"Wenneck, Price, Garner, Wenneck Room 3."

"Okay, Trace, I gotta go. We'll talk to you later!" Phil quickly hung up the phone as they all stood up. Sophie groaned as she saw how the cops messed up the handcuffing of the guys.

"Come on, chop-chop!" The officer ordered.

"Okay, spin around." Phil said trying to correct the handcuffs. Alan spun and tangled it up even more.

"Goddamn it!" Stu said upset.

"Wait a second..." Phil tried again Stu shook his head and pulled on the cuffs as Phil bent down low.

"I'll go over. I'll go over." Alan got upset.

"Stop pulling!" He whined. Sophie rolled her eyes as a cop walked her to the room.

"Can you just...? Hold on." Stu said trying to step over them.

"We got it. Alan, just relax."

"Come on you bafoons!" She yelled.

"And then just... There we go." They fixed it to the point where alan was walking backwards between them with his arms crossed awkwardly. They made it to the room where the arresting officers sat them down and removed the cuffs.

"Gentlemen and lady. We've got some good news, and we've got some bad news. The good news is we found your Mercedes." They all breathed a sigh of relief. Stu Smiled as Phil laughed and patted alan on the shoulder. Sophie just glared at the female cop

"That's great news!" The cop just moved on

"Yeah, it's over at impound right now. We picked it up at 5 a.m. this morning...parked in the middle of Las Vegas Boulevard." They all looked at each other Alan spoke up.

"In the middle. That's weird." The cop flipped through his file. as he mocked him.

"Yeah, that is weird. There was also a note. It says, uh, "Couldn't find a meter, but here's 4 bucks." he threw a mcdonalds napkin on the table

"The bad news is...we can't get you in front of a judge until Monday morning." He sat down next to the female cop.

"Oh, no, uh, officer, that's just impossible. No, we need to be in L.A. tomorrow for a wedding." Phil said nervously.

"You stole a police car!" the woman chimed in. Sophie snorted.

"We didn't steal anything." She said crossing her arms

"Um, we found it." Stu added. Alan joined in

"Yeah, if anything, we deserve a reward or something, like a trophy." They all looked at him. The male cop got real serious.

"I see assholes like you every day." The female cop got angry also

"Every _fucking_ day!" They started to do mock excitement and wave their hands in the air.

"Let's go to Vegas, we'll all get drunk and laid!

"Yeah. Whoo! Woo-hoo!"

"Woo-hoo. Let's steal a cop car, because it'd be really fucking funny."

"Think you gonna get away with it? Not up in here!" The woman finished.

"NOT UP IN HEAR!" The man yelled. Phil collected himself and laid on the charm

"...Sir...if I may, um...I'm assuming that that squad car belongs to one of you."

"Yeah." Phil continued.

"Look, I'm not a cop. I'm no hero. I'm a schoolteacher. But if one of my kids went missing on a field trip...that would look really bad on me." he schmoozed

"What are you getting at?" the cop asked. Stu raised his eyebrows alarmed

"Yeah, Phil, what are you getting at?" Phil ignored him

"No one wants to look bad. We gotta get to a wedding...and you guys don't need people talking about...how some obnoxious tourists borrowed your squad car last night. But look, the point is, I think we can work out a deal. Discreetly of course, ma'am. What do you say?" The female cop pulled out her clipboard and looked through her appointments. She showed one to the male cop who instantly started laughing mischievously. Stu laughed with them for no reason.

"Let me ask you a question: Do, uh, any of you gentlemen have a

heart condition or anything like that?" he licked his teeth deviously. They all looked at each other unsure how to answer.

"Uh, no." They answered. The cops took them to a small training room with the same kids from earlier. The little black boy perked up when he saw sophie enter.

"ohhh! its ma beyonce back for ma suga dick!" He licked his lips. Sophie gave a look of disgust as the cops lined them all up.

"Okay, kids, you're in for a real treat today. These gentlemen and lady have kindly volunteered to demonstrate...how a stun gun is used to subdue a suspect." The class was filled with "Oohs!"

"That's right!" The cops said smiling and taken out the stun gun.

"Wait a sec. What?" Stu asked as the cop approached him.

"Now, there's two ways to use a stun gun. Up close and personal!" He shot Stu in the neck. Stu let out a high pitch shriek and fell to the floor. Phil pulled back stunned along with Alan and Sophie.

"What the fuck?"

"Or you can shoot it from a distance." he set another charge.

"We're going to have Miss. Anger-issues here show you how to shoot. get over here Chi-Chi Rodriguez!" He motioned for Sophie to take the gun.

"Let's go, handsome, come on." Alan stepped forward

Not you, fat Jesus, slide it on back. You, pretty boy." the kids laughed at Alan

"All right, now, it's real simple. All you gotta do is point, aim and shoot. All right?" Sophie looked at the gun then at Phil. A smile slowly played at her lips.

"Okay, look. You don't really wanna do this." Phil said nervously as she raised the gun

"Oh i don't?" The cop got excited.

"You can do this. Just focus!" She moved the laser pointer down his stomach a bit.

"D-Don't listen to this maniac, Soph. Let's think this through. Come on Beaner..."

"Finish him!" The cop yelled at her. Sophie cringed as she shot. The electrode his Phil right in the crotch. Phil screamed out as he grabbed his balls and fell to the floor. Sophie stood above him smiling deviously.

"Oh, fuck!"

"Dick!" She spat at him.

"Yeah! Right in the nuts! That was beautiful! Well done. Give her a hand, everybody Good job. Good job!" They laughed as the class clapped for her. The little black boy behind her moaned

"Id let you taze me anytime baby." She glared at him as he licked his lips and winked.

"Good job. Well done. Good job. That was great. Good. Hey, we gotone more charge left. Anybody wanna do some shooting up here?" Sophie handed him back the gun as the kids eagerly raised their hands. Sophie Sat on the table the black kid was at. he immediately pinched her ass. Jumping up she moved to the other table. The cop looked around at the hands.

"How about you, big man? Come on up here!" He picked the kid who Alan insulted earlier. Sophie watched as they stared each other down.

"Okay, same instructions. Just point, aim and shoot." The kid raised the gun a look of anger on his face. Alan gave the same look.

"There you go. That's the stuff. I like the intensity. Eye of the tiger. Good. You're holding 50,000 volts, little man. Don't be afraid to ride the lightning." The kid shot Alan right in the face as Alan screamed out.

"In the face! In the face! Oh, he's still up. He's still up." Alan walked like Frankenstein towards the kid. the class screamed scared.

"All right, everybody relax, take it easy. We've seen it before. He just needs a little extra charge." The Cop shot alan in the neck. Alan fell over on Sophie's lap. She screamed out.

"There we go. Haha! Some of these big boys, you gotta give them two shots." Both Cops rolled with laughter as Sophie recovered from the shock Alan gave her. Stu and Phil rolled in pain on the ground.

"All right, kids, who wants to get their fingerprints done, huh?" They all cheered and followed the cop out.

"Fat _ASS_!" Sophie gave Alan's dead weight a push emphasizing the ass as he fell off the table and hit the ground.

**A/n the chi chi reference is from to wong foo where John leguizamo played a little latin boy in drag. The black kid is from role models. i love him. please rate and review. Much Love!**


	7. Snake skins Naked Asians & Butt Fing

Chapter 7: Snake skins, Naked Asians, and Butt Fucking Meth heads

"Fuck those guys, you hear me? That was bullshit. I'm telling everybody we stole a cop car!" Phil glared at Sophie. As he spoke to Stu. They were waiting at impound for their Mercedes.

"They let us go, who cares?" Sophie looked straight ahead annoyed

"I care! You can't just do that. You can't just tase people because you think it's funny! That's police brutality! And you! Why the fuck would you tase Phil!" Sophie slowly looked at him.

"I didn't have a choice now, Did I!" She raised her voice at the end. Phil scoffed and shook his head.

"You had a fucking choice..." He mumbled. Sophie turned to him and narrowed her eyes at him. Before she could answer Stu spoke up.

"I'm getting a soda. Do you guys want anything?"

"No." Sophie just shook her head. Stu walked around the corner of the building.

"My man doesn't shut up. Jesus Christ." Sophie laughed. Phil Stood and faced her.

"Okay enough fucking around. What the _HELL _is your goddamn problem!"

"They told me to tase you so i tased you." She said nonchalantly

"IN THE FUCKING BALLS!" She smiled.

"Thought you may have needed it" Phil double taked

"Need-Needed it? What the fuck Sophie. You really that upset at me?" She smiled and stood up.

"Wha-" She grabbed the back of his head and played with his hair a bit.

"You know sometimes a girl just needs to get her anger out on the man she..." She stopped short and stared at him, her eyes glossy. Phil ran his fingers through her blonde hair. he half smiled

"Hmm we gotta figure out how u ended up blonde." She shifted her gaze to the side.

"We gotta figure out how this is going to work" Phil grabbed her chin and and pulled her close.

"hey im all in, your the one who keeps pulling away." She pursed her lips

"I'm scared. I dont know what could happen. I don't kno-" He cut her off with a kiss. Alan glared at them upset.

"Don't be scared. Don't worry about what could and couldn't happen. You want to stay with me, thats already the first step Beaner. I promise I'll make it work. the we'll make it work. Alright?" She nodded and he kissed her again. Sophie sat back down as Phil looked at Alan.

"Alan, you okay?" Sophie looked at him

"I'm just worried. What if something happened to Doug? Something bad." Sophie buried her head in her hands. She had almost completely forgotten about her brother.

"Come on, you can't think like that." Phil said in a comforting tone. Sophie knitted her eyebrows.

"How are we supposed to think Phil? He's not here. we have no idea where he could be."

"I mean, what if he's dead? I can't afford to lose anybody close to me again. It hurts too much.I was so upset when my grandpa died." They both looked towards Alan. Phil gave him a look of sympathy.

"Oh, I'm sorry... How'd he die?" Alan looked to him.

"World War II." Sophie raised an eyebrow confused.

"Died in battle?" Phil pressed.

"No, he was skiing in Vermont. It was just during World War II." Phil and Sophie exchanged a look as Alan continued to stare ahead. Phil looked at him a moment before speaking.

"Alan...Doug is fine." Alan looked at him again

"Well, why hasn't he called?"

"I don't know, but we're gonna figure it out." Stu came back with his soda.

"I'll tell you another thing, 6-1 odds our car is beat to _shit_!" Sophie leaned against phil.

"Stu, not now." Phil said trying to get him to stop.

"No, how much do you wanna bet it's fucked beyond recognition?" Phil Stood up as sophie leaned forward and clenched her stomach. she felt nauseous over the situation

"That's enough. Alan's seriously worried, okay? Let's not freak him out any more." Stu looked to Alan who stared at the ground with a pained look on his face.

"Sorry, Alan. You know what? We'll search the car for clues and everything's gonna be okay." They heard someone driving up with their car.

"Oh, shit. I can't watch. Just tell me what it looks like." Phil already had his back turned as Stu shielded his eyes

"Not looking. Not looking." The guy pulled the car to a screeching stop in front of them. It was perfectly fine.

"Wow. All right." Stu said surprised

"Oh, thank God. You see? It's gonna be all right, Alan." Phil said walking towards the car. They drove off back towards the city as Alan Sophie and Stu searched the car.

"Anything?" Phil asked stealing glances at them.

"Hmm, I got a cigar." Stu said checking the floor. Sophie searched the seat cushions.

"got some glitter and condom wrappers...I can only imagine who's they are..." Phil smiled at her in the rearview mirror. Alan picked up a shoe.

"Oh, I found, uh...These are some black shoes."

"They women's shoes?" Phil asked glancing quickly.

"I don't know." He handed it to Stu.

"Whose are those?" Phil asked. Stu inspected it.

"I don't know. It's a men's size 6." Sophie took the shoe

"That's weird." Alan picked something up

"What is this, a snakeskin?" He threw it on Stu's shoulder

"Oh, come on! Ew!" Stu freaked out trying to get it off.

"That's a used condom, Alan."

"Oh, God. _Blech_!" He whipped it back at Alan and hit him in the face.

"Get it out of the car!" Sophie yelled pulling back far from Alan.

"Gross, it's wet!" Stu yelled Alan flicked it on Phil's shoulder who instantly jumped tying to flip it off without removing his hand from the wheel

"Hey! Come on. I got jizz on me. Jesus Christ, guys!" He swerved off the road a bit.

"Get it out!" Stu said laughing.

"Fuck!" Phil rolled down the window as he through out the condom. He swerved completely off the road and stopped in the dirt.

"All right, what the fuck, man? We gotta get this shit together, guys!" He yelled. A serious of bumps came from the trunk.

"What was that?" Alan asked. Stu's eyes widened.

"It's in the trunk. Doug's in the trunk!" he yelled as they all scrambled to get out of the car.

"Oh, fuck! Holy shit!" Phil said running to the trunk. they all yelled as the hurried to get it open.

"Holy shit! Open it! Open it! Open it!" Came from Stu and Sophie. Stu and Phil were directy over the trunk with sophie on the side. Alan was still struggling out of the back when they popped it open. they instantly froze as an anrgy, naked, asian man jummped out of the trunk and onto Phil's shoulders.

"Oh God!" Phil tried to push him off, at least get his hairy crotch out of his face but he couldn't struggle. The naked man repeatedly hit him with a crowbar. Alan tried to plead with him.

"Please! Please! Please stop!" Phil finally pushed the guy off of him. He tok the crowbar and hit Stu hard in the chest. As Stu doubled over He hit him in the middle of his back knocking Stu to the ground. Turning, he swung upwards, hitting Phil in the face, knocking off his sunglasses. Phil Hit the ground as the naked asian swung and hit sophie in the stomach. She screamed and fell over spitting up blood. Alan put his hand out and backed up pleading with him.

"Whoa. I'm with you, I'm with you!" The naked asian spun the bar in his hands.

"You gonna fuck on me?" Alan shook his head.

"Nobody's gonna fuck on you! We're on your side. I hate Godzilla! I hate him too. I hate him! He destroys cities! Please! This isn't your fault. I'll get you some pants!" The naked asian instantly whipped the crowbar at Alan, smacking him in the head, then taking off at full sprint into the desert towards the strip. They all crawled towards the car panting and moaning.

"What the fuck was that?" Phil said making his way over. He pulled himself up on the door of the car and leaned against it on the ground. Sophie made her way over and leaned against him still spitting up blood. she panted.

"I have internal bleeding. Somebody call 911." Stu said flipping over in the dirt.

"That was some fucked up shit. Who was that guy? He was so mean!" Sophie looked up at him panting.

"S-so mean? The fuck? haha...ah! Phil not you're b-best" he shook his head as he checked to see if he lost a tooth.

"F-fuck you." She smiled trying not to laugh. Alan leaned against the car.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you. Last night on the roof, before we went out...I slipped something in our Jägermeister." They all looked at him

"What the fuck did you just say?" Sophie said deeply as her eyes burned into him.

"What!" Phil said incredulously

"I'm sorry, I fudged up, guys." Alan apologized. Stu sat up a bit.

"You drugged us?"

"No, I didn't drug you. I was told it was ecstasy!" Phil sat up a bit as Sophie breathed heavier.

"Well, who told you it was ecstasy?" Phil yelled at him

"The guy I bought it from at the liquor store!" Stu shook his head

"Why would you give us ecstasy?" Phil could feel sophie tense up on him. He knew when she lost her temper things got ugly she continued to breathe heavier.

"Soph..." She shook her head as she glared at Alan.

"I wanted everybody to have a good time and I knew you guys wouldn't take it. It was just one hit each. I used to do three hits a night!"

"But it wasn't ecstasy, Alan, it was roofies!"

"You think I knew that, Stu? The guy I bought it from seemed like a real straight shooter!" Stu sat up a bit as Sophie tried to calm herself. her face turned red. Phil prepared to hold her back in case she lunged at Alan.

"You mean the drug dealer at the liquor store wasn't a good guy?" Sophie couldn't hold it in anymore.

"YOU FUCKING PEICE OF SHIT FAT ASS!" She lunged. Phil grabbed her as Alan Screamed like a little girl.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME! YOU DRUGGED ME! YOU FUCKING DRUGED ME!" She forcefully pushed phil off of her and into the dirt. He laid frozen for a minute not comprehending the force she had just used on him. Stu grabbed her arms. as She tried to attack alan. Phil jumped up and helped hold her back as a string of spanish cursed escaped her mouth. She talked so fast they couldn't even comprehend what she was saying.

"QUE CHINGADOS! PENDEJO NO SIRVE PARA NADA. NO ME JODAS ALAN!" was all that they caught after about a minute.

"Sophie im sorry!" Alan Cried

"CALLATE EL OSICO GORDOTA!" She spit on him.

"Let's just calm down!" Phil said finally getting his arms around Sophie and holding her in place. she struggled like a rabid animal. It was Stu's turn to freak out now.

You fucking calm down! Sophie's right. He drugged us! I lost a tooth! I married a whore!"

"How dare you! She's a nice lady." Alan shot back. Stu stood above him as Phil tried to still keep sophie calm.

"You are such a fucking moron!" Stu yelled at him

"Your language is offensive!" Alan shot back at him again.

"Fuck you!" Stu growled.

"Piece of shit don't ever fucking talk to me again!" Phil held her tighter.

"All right, let's just take a deep breath, okay? Seriously, this is a good thing. At least it's not some stranger who drugged us for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON!" He looked over her shoulder at Alan as he raised his voice.

"Yeah, you're right, Phil, it's totally a good thing. We're so much better off now. Here's something I would like to remind you three of: Our best friend Doug is probably facedown in a ditch right now...with a meth-head BUTT-FUCKING HIS CORPSE!" Stu yelled. Alan shook his head.

"That's highly unlikely."

"It's true!" Stu said leaning towards him. Phil kept one arm across Sophie as he reached for Stu's shoulder.

"Does not help. All-" He stopped and held her with both arms again as she lunged forward again.

"Will you calm the fuck down! such a drama queen!" He shook her a bit.

"Im calm!" She said finally giving up. She took a deep breath.

"Drama wha-" Before she could finish Phil cut her off not having time to argue with her.

"All right, let's get our shit together, guys. Let's go back to the hotel, and I'm gonna make a couple calls. Maybe Doug's back there. Maybe he's asleep. Come on. Let's go." He buried his head in Sophies hair and whispered directly into her ear.

"You're really sexy when your pissed off...can i get you to yell in spanish in bed?" She smiled and ball tapped him. He groaned and let go.

"Thats for callin me a drama queen" She got in the car. Alan snapped his fingers at Stu.

"Stu? Little help?" Stu swatted his hand away

"Shut up!" He opened the car door and smacked alan in the head with it gaining a muffled "Ow" from Alan as he was flattened on the dirt.

"Oh, God. Oh, God, are you okay?" Stu said apologetically.

"Yeah, I'm fine..." Alan mumbled.

"Alan, I'm sorry." He helped him up and into the car.


	8. What do tigers dream of?

What do Tigers Dream of?

The car ride back to the hotel was spent in silence. Phil occasionally looked up at Sophie in the rearview mirror. Their eyes would meet occasionally, but she would avert her eyes. The silence was broken by her phone going off.

"Who's that?" Stu asked. Sophie looked at her phone

"Caller ID says..."Misd anngwla haiir"...I must have been wasted when I put her name in.

"Hello?" Sophie answered confused. The whole car could hear the voice on the other end.

"Hi is this Sophie? This is Miss Angela. You got your hair bleached at my salon last night." Sophie's eyes widened. everyones head snapped up

"ask her what happened!" Phil whispered loudly. Sophie put a finger up.

"Usually i dont let people who cant even articulate their own name properly sit in ma chair, but I made an exception since you wanted it so bad...well youre husband did." Sophie glared at phil.

"Yes, Im sure my husband did want it blonde." Sophie swallowed hard.

"Anyways I was just callin to let you know about maintenance...since ya'll were too twisted to prolly remember. You need to get a bottle of Baca de Sol. Its perfect for bleachin. okay? Sophie nodded

"Was there anything we said last night about what we were going to do or what went on while we were there?" Sophie took in a deep breath.

"Well, You we're goin on and on about some tiger. Youre husband got hit by a car comin out of the salon. You got pissed and fought the driver." Sophie's mouth dropped.

"I fought the driver?" Sophie gasped. Angela scoffed

"mmhmm. You roughed him up pretty bad. I tried to report it but ya'll just took off laughin. I got someone in the chair. Good luck with the hair." Angela hung up. Sophie stared at her phone.

"What? What is it?" Phil asked.

"I beat up a man...who hit you with his car...drunk and roofied...in vegas?" Sophie said staring at him bewildered. Phil looked at stu who looked at sophie.

"Um...i guess you were just defending me?" Phil said shrugging. Alan gave a confused look.

"I didn't know beating up people made you blonde!" They all looked at him as he stared out the window. They sat in silence all the way back to the strip.

"Can we talk about Phil getting a face full of asian dick?" Sophie said loudly with a smirk on her face. Stu busted up laughing. Sophie put a hand on Phil's shoulder, who violently shrugged it off.

"Shut up soph. Please don't." Stu smiled viciously

"What you dont like a little Asian Flavor Phil?" Stu pressed.

"Yeah Phil, Sushi is pretty good covered in hair...You want a spring roll...covered in mayo?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP SOPHIE!" Phil yelled. Sophie and Stu stifled their laugh.

"I like mayo on my spring roll...its quite tasty." Alan said smiling at sophie. Phil put his head on the wheel as Sophie rolled laughing in her seat.

"Stop laughing its not that funny!" Phil growled.

"Oh come on Phil lighten up. Its not everyday you get a face full of some Chinese Pecker!" She and Stu howled with laughter. Phil pulled into the hotel.

"Shut up and lets get back up to the room!" They got out of the car and headed into Caesars. They went up stairs in silence, save for a couple of chuckles and "Cliche Chinese tune" from Sophie. Phil had all but slapped her when they got to the door. Alan grabbed her shoulder and shook her arm. Sophie Shrugged him off.

"What Alan!" She growled

"Wait, guys. Guys. What about the tiger? What if he got out?" Alan said worried. Phil sighed and threw his head back.

"Oh, fuck. I keep forgetting about the goddamn tiger!" Phil said grabbing the crease between his eyes.

"How the fuck did he get in there?" sophie said cocking her body to the side and grabbing her hip.

"I don't know, because I don't remember." Stu said with malice dripping from his voice. He Shot alan a look.

"Shh. Stu. Stu, keep it down." Phil said unlocking the door.

"That's because one of the side effects of roofies is memory loss." Alan said serious. Sophie cocker her head to the side giving him a look.

"You are literally too stupid to insult." Stu said shaking his head. Alan smiled.

"Thank you." Alan said. Phil opened the door.

"Hey, come on. lets talk about it inside please?" Phil said leading them inside. Sophie stopped short in the doorway.

"Hey, did we leave the music on? Is that Phil Collins?" She said loudly.

"Hey. Shh. Don't make any sudden movements." Phil fired back at her. He walked forward until he bumped into a larger black man. they all screamed.

"Whoa! Who the hell are you?" Phil said backing up. The man wasn't backing down

"No, who the hell are you?" He snapped.

"What the fuck-" Sophie began. She was cut off by a familiar voice.

"Quiet! quiet!" The voice had a slight lisp. They looked towards the piano to see a man standing, swaying with the music. He had his arms up like a conductor.

"Mike Tyson?" Stu and Phil said in unison.

"Shh. This is my favorite part coming up right now!" Tyson Began to play the air drums

"I can feel it! Callin in the air tonight-Need a chorus line, guys." He gestured towards the boys.

"Oh Loorrrdd!" Alan sang. Stu smiled getting into it as Sophie just stood there annoyed and confused.

"and I've been WAITIN for this moment for all my life-One more time, guys." Mike Gestured again.

"Oh Loorrrdd!" All three boys sang Sophie raised an eyebrow and cocked her head back. Before anyone knew it, Mike punched Alan right in the face. Alan hit the ground face first with a loud thud

"Oh, Jesus!" Stu yelled covering his mouth.

"What the actual fuck!" Sophie yelled

"Why did you do that?" Phil said as he got on his knees with Stu to check out Alan.

Sophie lunged at mike. His Friend held her back.

"Get yo girl man!" Mikes friend yelled. Tyson shut off the music as Phil got up and grabbed hold of Sophie.

"Mr. Tyson would like to know why is his tiger in your bathroom." The man said gesturing towards the bathroom.

"Hold on, that was completely unnecessary!" Phil said stepping in front of Sophie and holding his hands out in defense.

"I'm a huge fan. When you knocked out Holmes, that was…" He mock jabbed as the man cut him off.

"Explain." He said with a stern look.

"We were drugged last night. We literally have no memory of what happened. Thanks to Sam-wise-douche bag over here." Sophie said gesturing to Alan

"It's true. We got in all kinds of trouble last night and now we can't find our friend. If you wanna kill us, go ahead because I don't care anymore." Stu said. His voice had lost all emotion. Sophie gave him a worried look.

"What are you talking about?" Phil said turning towards him.

"I don't care!" Stu fired back.

"Why the fuck would you wanna steal his tiger?" The man asked incredulous.

"We tend to do dumb shit when we're fucked up." Phil defended.

"Especially us…." Sophie mumbled

"I don't believe these guys, man." Mike Tyson groaned.

"Wait a minute, how did you guys find us?"Sophie asked pushing Phil out of the way. Phil shot her a look.

"One of you dropped your jacket. Found it in the tigers' cage this morning." The man said lifting the jacket draped over his arm.

"That's Doug's!" Stu exclaimed.

"Yeah, Doug. His wallet and his room key is in there." He said tossing it in the air. Sophie caught it.

"No, that's our missing friend!" Phil said looking through the jacket.

"I don't give a fuck." the man fired back. Sophie glared at him. she opened her mouth to retort but stu cut her off

"Did you guys see him?" Stu said. he looked at Mike and his friend with his mouth hung open.

"I was fast asleep." Mike said shaking his head

"Because if he was up, this wouldn't have gone down so smoothly." the man added.

"Maybe one of the tigers ate his ass like Omar!" Mike said elbowing his buddy

"Respect." the man took his hat off.

"Wha...? What happened to Omar?" Phil asked concerned. Sophie's eyes widened.

"Oh, don't worry about Omar, he's not with us no more."

"Don't worry? You saying the tiger ate doug!" Phil waved her off.

"Sophie be quiet. Okay, I know this is asking a lot...but do you think we could go to your house and look around...see if there's any clues?"

"Absolutely. How else you think we're gonna get the tiger back anyway? Come on, champ." He and Mike Tyson started making his way out

"I'm sorry?" Phil said following them. They stopped.

"We're not gonna put it in the Bentley. You brought it here, you bring it back. What you think, about 40 minutes?" the man said walking out. Tyson hung back.

"Don't make me come back for him!" He said pointing his finger at them. He walked out after his friend. Sophie ran her hand through her hair and leaned down to check on Alan

"That was Mike Tyson." Stu said awkwardly leaning into Phil. Phil threw his hands up in anger.

"Yeah, no shit that was Mike Tyson!" He said walking past him.

"I'm just saying, he's still got it!" Stu shrugged.

"Alan? are you okay?" Sophie shook him a bit. He rolled over groaning.

"Oh, my God!" Stu touched his swollen eye.

"Fuck, where'd he get him?" Phil said looking at him. He snapped his fingers in his face.

"Hey! Alan! Come on, wake up." He proceeded to snap and shake Alan's head.

"Sophie, maybe you should kiss him…" Stu said with a smirk. She smacked him upside his head.

"Ow! Bitch!" He moaned. She smiled. Alan finally half opened his eyes and sat up a little.

"Easy! Easy!" Phil said grabbing him.

"Wh…what happened?"

"You got knocked the fuck out!" Sophie said laughing. Stu nudged her.

"Ugh…alright. that was rude." Alan said sitting completely up.

"Okay so how are we going to get this tiger to Tyson?" Stu said taking his glasses off and rubbing his eyes.

"We could always roofie it." Sophie said giving Alan a "fuck you" look. Phil nodded his head.

"No, no…thats a good idea! We could have Alan put like 5 or six roofies in a piece of meat or something and we could feed it to him!" He smiled at his brilliant idea.

"Yeah….and who is gonna feed him the meat?" Stu asked. They all looked at each other.

"Rock, paper, scissors?" Alan suggested. They all mulled over the idea.

"Eww, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other tie 75-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest "rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock" Sophie said smiling.

"Wait…what the fuck is that?" Phil asked. he was already looking for a butcher shop in the phone book.

"It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and—as it always has—rock crushes scissors" She explained. no one spoke for a minute.

"Did you just quote the Big Bang Theory?" Stu asked. Sophie shrugged.

"Bazinga!" She yelled throwing her hands in the air.

"You're fuckin weird." Stu said shaking his head.

"Sexy and nerdy…thats why I love her." Phil said without looking up.

"Hey Wennick….shut the fuck up. No one asked you. Cochino." She shook her head and sat on the couch.

"Hi is this room service? Ill give you a hundred bucks for a raw steak no questions asked delivered to our room…..uh huh…yep. thanks. Ok we got a steak."

"Lets just do plain rock paper scissors and be done with it." Stu said. They all gathered together in a circle.

"Alan you're good. don't worry about it." Phil said pushing Alan back. Alan sat on the couch.

"Okay….3 out of 4." Phil said. They played 3 rounds and the loser was Stu every time. Room service came with the steak and Phil got it quick and slammed the door.

"This does not seem fair." Stu said as Alan packed roofies into the steak

"It's Rock, Paper, Scissors. There's nothing more fair." Phil said.

"Except rock paper scissors lizard spock." Sophie said. she had her head rested on her hands as she mumbled.

"Soph…shut up about the spock shit! Alan should do it!" Stu whined

"Alan took a punch from Mike fucking Tyson you dick." Sophie said sitting up

"Come on. For Doug." Phil said. Stu nodded.

"Why are you peppering the steak? You don't know if tigers like pepper." Stu asked as alan began peppering the steak.

"Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon." He retorted quickly.

"Phil, just do it. You should do it." Stu continued to whine

"I would, but you lost. It wouldn't be right." He scolded. Him and Sophie exchanged a smirk.

"Okay, I jammed five roofies in there. Just go in there and throw it in to him." Alan said handing him the steak.

"Fine!" Stu slowly took off towards the bathroom.

"Make sure he eats the whole thing." Phil called after him.

Stu slowly walked into the bathroom. He stayed close to the door. he could tell the Tiger was right around the corner so he inched down the wall. He looked around the corner.

"Fuck. Oh, fuck! Hey, kitty." The Tiger growled at him.

"Hey, sweetie, it's okay. I got a little snack for you. Real important that you eat this, okay? Yeah, just have a little…" the tiger lunged at him. Dropping the steak he ran out of the bathroom screaming. Sophie and Phil cracked up

"You screamed like a bitch!" She said through laughs.

"Oh HA HA! What do we do now?" Stu said acidly

"We wait."Alan said nodding.

Alan plopped down in a reclining chair as Phil speed out on the couch. Sophie sat at the bar as Stu sat down at the piano. Phil watched her as she played with a drink, her back was turned.

Sophie sighed as she stared at her scotch. Stu began to fiddle with the piano as she thought about that night all those years ago at prom.

_2007_

_"I literally cannot wear this dress…its way too…too pretty mom!" Sophie looked in her mother's mirror as her mom pinned up her hair. _

_"Oh Sophie stop it! Phil will love you in this dress!" He mother cooed. Sophie rolled her eyes. _

_"Phil…oh boy." She said sarcastically. It was Prom night, and her 18th birthday. Her best friend offered to take her to prom so no one knew her college boyfriend had dumped her. She looked her dress up and down. She couldn't believe she was wearing it. _

_The dress was a soft creme pink __with a willowy, asymmetric skirt and sweetheart neckline. The waist was speckled with faux diamond rose vines. the back had a spine like detail and pinned up to the side. Her mother placed pink flowers through her hair as the doorbell rang. _

_"Ill get it!" her mom chimed. Sophie sighed. her hands shook as she stared at her reflection. _

_"you look good sis." Doug said leaning on the doorway. He smiled at her. _

_"Doug….I don't think I can…" She looked down. He chuckled as he pushed a stand of hair behind her ear. _

_"You act like you're getting married or something!" He gave her a warm smile as he hugged her. _

_"It is prom…with Phil…sometime i feel like I want to…"_

_"Want to what?" She jumped at his voice. Sophie looked up to see Phil with his arm above his head against the door." He was wearing a dark black suit with a pink vest and tie that matched sophie's dress. Sophie pulled away from Doug._

_"I want to vomit at the sight of you in that dumb ass tie!" She lied. Phil rose an eyebrow_

_"Hey Beaner you needed a stand in for your hot-shot college boyfriend, who might i remind you decided to enjoy a life of sex drugs and herpies at Michigan State…so yeah you could be a bit nicer."_

_"Oh, i should be the nice one? not a single part of that sentence was nice!" Sophie shot back. Doug shook his head. _

_"You two flirt worse then kindergartners. stop denying your love for each other!" He said on his way out. Sophie and Phil looked at each other shyly_

_"Its true" they said as the same time. they laughed. Phil inched closer to her face till they were nose to nose._

_"Phillll!Sophie Dearrr!" Her mother called. She closed her eyes and sighed._

_"We have a prom to go to…" She said moving towards the door. Phil Grabbed her arm in one swift motion. She looked up at him. He hesitated for a moment before Sophie's mom could be heard at the top of the stairs._

_"come on you too! Picture time!" She said in a sing-song voice. _

Sophie shook her head as she took a swig of her drink. It disgusted her how "Lovey Dovey" they were back then. She tried to keep herself from thinking about the rest of that night. Her thoughts were interrupted by Stu singing.

"What do tigers dream of

When they take a little tiger snooze?

Do they dream of mauling zebras

Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?

Don 't you worry your pretty striped head

We're gonna get you back to Tyson

And your cozy tiger bed

And then we're gonna find

Our best friend Doug

And then we're gonna give him

A best-friend hug

Doug!

Doug!

Doug, Dougie, Dougie, Doug, Doug

But if he's been murdered

By crystal-meth tweakers

Well, then we're shit out of luck!"

They could hear the tiger drop to the ground as he finished his song. Everyone looked at each other to see what the next move was.


End file.
